Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Christmas is upon us, and I have to say I lust after this season. I love this season.... Lust and love are not always related to sex. Even envy is not always a bad thing, it is only when envy becomes jealousy, because envy can be a driving factor. If we envy others who have nice things, then we might work harder to get them for ourselves, but if we are jealous, we might be a lower person, doing things that make regret or diminish us.
So I let love flow as much as I can, and there is so much still there that I don't have but I know I need......
I am happy for the most part, but until I can let love and lust flow freely and get fulfilled, then I will not be really myself, and not really happy.
Some things need to run wide open....
But one day I feel as if everything I want will eventually come.
Like waiting for Christmas, it does eventually come.....
Posted by Busheat at 5:12 AM 0 comments
Monday, November 13, 2006
I love my wife's body. Her tits are still perky, I love the nipple size, and one is a B and one is a C, so I have my choice... Her pussy has great definition, and clit is classic standard. Childbirth gave her more of an ass and some hips. She was a stick before that, and we fit together well.
Sadly, she has allowed pains to put her on the couch and get depressed, so she complains about pain all the time, but does little to fight and push past it. I have pain as well but I work through it, fight past it. She lays on the couch and that only makes things worse. When we do make love it is for 1/4 to 1/2 hour, and once she gets one nut it's over. granted it is good for straight missionary, but I like to eat pussy for an hour minimum to just get started. I like sex to last about two hours at least. I don't get what I need in time or positions.... so it never fully satisfies. My other aspects of sexuality are things like dancing, tenderness and massage and touch, and caressing, and it just ain't there. I like to sleep holding each other, entwined, and let arousal be met with satisfaction in quickies then. Then I like it to wake up to each other, and that can be a half hour. Six times a year just don't cut it. There is no excuse for that unless it is deathbed.
The other thing is bringing bullshit into the bedroom that just doesn't belong there. The bedroom is the place for peace and healing and connection, not to bring the fights and disagreements and angers and resentments from bullshit aspects of life. You can pollute the bedroom with that. That is where companionship has an effect of love, lovemaking, and lust. Lust on one level requires love to be functioning untainted and unhindered, and when it is it makes you happier, more fulfilled, and stronger. That heals things, fixes things and what is wrong in others and yourself.
Ripple by The Grateful Dead comes to mind... maybe my favorite Dead song....
Funny how so many songs say things people love to hear but never practice.... the ideal is easier to visualize and attain than that actual realization I guess.
I think if you can dream it, you can make it happen.
Posted by Busheat at 6:55 AM 0 comments
Sunday, July 23, 2006
I discuss lust and love, and what lies between. We lust for everything in a way. There can be a lust for food or for material things or for feelings or the people that make those feelings. The objects may be different, but lust is simply strong desire, want. It isn't need. We confuse the two, and therein lies the problem. We can love or hate what we lust after. We can not lust after what we love. I think that is marriage sometimes,rather sex in marriage, hahahahaha.
But someone living a healthy life can place these things in perspective. That ability to have perspective is what heals even more so than if you have love in your life or not. That is at least where I am lucky.
I love my wife, but don't have lust for her as I once did because she doesn't allow love to flow like it should, and puts conditions on love. So I resent that, and it steals part of my happiness because where lust and love work together they are not allowed to work naturally as I'd like them to, so the needs I have for what I lust for and love still work on me to be filled, and since I'm at a dry well I look for where my thirst can be quenched. But as a man of honor it isn't just drinking dirty water blindly. I have the dignity, out of love for myself and sense of honor, to only drink what I really like, and what I know will taste best, and I only take small sips, just enough not to die from being parched.
And I think this happens in so many relationships, and that people get so thirsty for love that they drink anything, and do so in ways that are hurtful to their mates and themselves. Some people, many people will drink anywhere even when they have something to drink, and will drink in who is bad for them. I have the good sense to know myself and what is right and wrong there. That, to me, is cheating. You can't call it theft when a starving man takes a loaf of bread, but it is dirty when a fat one takes a truckload. Again we are back at perspective, and judgment.
But that is where morality comes in. I have had too much self-denial in my life, and wasted too much of my life without what I need to be healthy and happy. At a point of someone keeping from you what you need, especially when it is by design, well, at first you have a duty to work on it, but after a time you are justified in getting what you need, and yes there is a promise in any committed relationship, but when one fails to meet the needs of another, or give love, then that contract is already broken. The obligation gets mitigated.
Now I stay because I love my wife, but mostly for my son, because I know without me he will hurt and suffer and she will crash and burn. I need to get my family out of Jacksonville and to somewhere where people are still generally decent to each other. My wife also knows that I I see sexuality and lust as different and not contingent upon love and marriage, not meaning that we should be running around like wild sluts, but that those aspects should be treated on two levels. If I had a high level of passion and love out of her there would seldom be an urge to have my eye wander and think in lustful terms, but when I don't get the love comforts and needs for tenderness and companionship filled, those other needs get compounded, and there is only so much alone a man like me can take before he is either an empty shell or so sad as to be hopeless and worthless to himself or others.
I shouldn't have to make love and still have desires unfulfilled, or not have passion. There should be a hunger in lovemaking where there is suppose to be love. In that there should be a lust, a hunger and craving, a need for the one you love, and I still have that, but do see it shown to me, and that is more hurtful than if my wife was a good lover and companion to me and came and said she loved someone else.... that is what cheating is to me. When you are cheated out of what or how things should be.
In that way I never cheat. I understand the lustful craving associated with love. I recognize the general sexual lust. The second one I can dent, but the first one lacking wears upon my soul. A wife or husband to someone should be providing that, and when they don't part of you slowly dies, so it is like a transfusion to get that elsewhere when you really need it, and you have a duty to inform the person you are getting it from on what terms love and lust are being shared.
It is funny how easily and accepting and good a casual relationship on stated terms like that can be. I guess because the expectations are clear, and responsibilities as well. The best can reside without the bags or chains.
Love should set you free....
Posted by Busheat at 6:22 AM 0 comments
Monday, June 12, 2006
Emotions are so often cause for great confusion, and confusion can lead to so many problems for so many people. I am lucky in a way because I understand my own emotions fairly well. I try to be honest with my emotions and what motivates me and why. I am also humble about my own humanity, but can be arrogant about my own views. I think I am because I actually do understand my place in the world.
Things in life are often more simple than we make them or allow them to be. Right is right and wrong is wrong, and while most things have shaded areas that include both, a choice between right and wrong is easy to make if you can sacrifice selfishness. The type of selfishness I mean does not mean doing things without any self interest, but in having real and sincere consideration for others and what is right and wrong.
People sometimes don't or won't take a stand on some really critical things in life, or take real responsibility, but instead choose the easy paths or try to avoid accountability or risk. This is true in everything from war to bigotry to relationships to fighting injustice. The easy path may avoid involvement in aspects of life that require some work or loss at times, but if you have a conscience you can't escape the easiest path is sometimes the one that might first appear the hardest.
This is true in relationships, where real honesty is stated but seldom really expressed. We all keep so many secrets from the people we say are the ones closest to us. Now there is a right and room for some secrets, but is that really being a mate to someone? Is it so hard to just lay your entire soul wide open to someone? Can they love you enough to accept you completely for all your faults and shortcomings? What is real betrayal, and what is real honesty?
I am married to someone to whom I can't tell my deepest desires and dreams and feelings, because she will twist them and use them to attack me. That is sad to me, but I made the choice to marry her hopeful that the relationship would evolve so she could accept me with my views on love and sex and life.
Now I am now conventional. I don't think being locked into having sex with one person forever and ever is normal or right for me. I don't go out and look for lovers, but it feeling spark I don't think to deny them is healthy either, and neither would I deny any lover the experience of love with another. I think if you are in true deep love with a lifemate and companion that you can allow those excursions and they will only wind up enhancing your life together because there is no temptation to run away for something you can have so freely, so even the desire for it is less because it isn't denied forbidden fruit anymore. And if you can share it, even better.
So what lies between love and lust, and shouldn't both be allowed to be healthy experiences that just flow. We are a culture so hung up and self-denied and have made sex so secret and dirty that we have not only inhibited sexuality, but the love and life pleasures that go with it. That repression spills over int a sense of frustration that bleeds with violence and other sicknesses that keep us from real progression.
She lets life shit in, and allows it to take away from her happiness, which steals happiness I need from me, so I search for it elsewhere. Most real cheating happens because people hold out and back on each other and have false expectations from each other. I am so much more free but am so hurt by the repression around me, and it makes me sad inside that I can't live and be how I know I really am inside.
I think our urges are there for a reason, and when we have them we should fill them. If we did, we wouldn't feel starved and eat when we shouldn't. There should be a comfort level there. I think sex is like a check valve designed to bring fulfillment and release pressure, so if you don't answer it and repress it you make your own anxiety. If you don't have that, then when you love someone you can give them yourself unclouded. The tension aspects of it all tend to vanish.
So I know this much about myself. That not always, but mostly when I have desires that they need to be met, and right now I have to hide who and how I really am inside. That I am stuck with one woman who has the passion of a rock and repression of a guilty nun. I get nu-nu-nunone..... So that leaves me frustrated and bitter and angry, and I have to fight those emotions that would vanish if I had what I needed...
But there are things that supersede my own desires and needs, that are my real rewards, like raising my son. I am devoted to him and trying to make a good life for him and teach him, but I see my wife's head trips hurting him, making him more angry as he realizes her problems and excuses, and him eventually being mean and defiant because of her. I can't stop it and she won't listen. She has problems with depression and her addiction to her medication that are both killing and destroying her, and she refuses to admit or even discuss the possibility that she might be wrong about a damn thing. So there will be no changes until she hits the wall.
My son will have anger and defiance and anxiety as a phase, but as he matures he will find a path out of it because of what I have already taught him that he just has to see for himself.
He clings to being a child because of the environment we live in here... this town and these people, who, to me, are substandard and ill. This society is sick, and I am glad that he is in conflict with it.
He has so many of my habits and values. I hope he sees and learns how to apply himself. My wife gives him escapes from responsibility that will hurt him and his education and chances, so I have to work at it all the time and find ways to compensate.
Meanwhile I am left alone, left as half a man because I don't have a lover/companion to partner to, and it isn't me at this point. I have tried everything from kind to mean to understanding to everything. I can't enable her sloth or depression any longer, so that transition will be difficult as well.
So I have to settle for spurts of lust every so ofter, and it isn't that often or often enough, to fill the gaps left by a lack of love, and that just sucks....
Posted by Busheat at 10:18 PM 0 comments

Too much just doesn't change. Judy is always claiming a headache and stays on the damn couch. What she lacks is the drive to get up and do something, which would change so much and make everyone, mostly her, happier. Sarah still goes through her shit. She was over today, with an apathetic angry resigned depression that is her norm. Chris continues to take advantage of her, and everyone else over there beats her down, and she gets walked all over, and she also doesn't take the proactive affirmative action she needs to be happy.
I wind up on the shitty end as a result of the two of them, Judy in life as I live it and with Sarah what I want to add to it.
Maybe once I win one of these claims and can get back in the direction I want to go in and have money can I fix everything. I want life on my terms, but that also means I want to have these two women I love fixed and happy and working to make a wonderful life for each other, me, but mostly themselves, which would do the number one job for me, which is make a wonderful life for the kids. But that's the pipe dream, and the reality is different. The primary dream is to get Judy healthy and expressing love and desire, and then cutting loose with her.
If we all just said the hell with it and Sarah came to us and Judy and I and she had one big bed and one big love we could all have one wonderful life together.
It could, and would, start working now if we chose for it to, but I'm not the thing holding us back.
Judy is right, Sarah is here more when she needs something, but I know why to a degree. Life for her is complicated and depressing, and she withdraws, and acts from a desperate position, which is what fucks things up for her, and she tries to make something work that shouldn't even exist. Chris is just no good, no matter what line of shit he tells her or even his intentions. His actions speak otherwise. His actions step on her and their kids, and he just doesn't deserve them, and is bound to damage them in the long run.
And Judy, she fights to claim her ills and couch like it is a disease to work. There is no real drive there, and it steals the sunshine from life. She will wallow in filth, then expect others to clean her mess, take care of her responsibility.
That sucks.
Judy has no humility, and Sarah too much, and those critical aspects would balance if they were more together or under one roof. They would fix each other in ways no one else can, and once that starts, if my love is allowed to flow freely to both and we share each other honestly and completely, there would be such a beauty to life that the little shit that is wrong would vanish and the big shit that is wrong would become little.
If I could, and had no conscience, I would just leave, start over, and do well. Away from these ills I'd shine, just like I did before Judy and when she and I were apart. But I have a responsibility, it is mostly to Alex. I'd have no problem extending that promise to Sarah's kids either. But I need help, and just don't have it in me to do all the work alone anymore. It makes me resentful. I don't start most of the fights either, I react to and reject being abused and stepped on. sadly, Judy is just too blind to see it, or accept responsibility. But if Sarah, who sees some of that, stepped in, and was honest in brutal fashion, Judy would have no choice anymore. In the same way what is wrong with both Sarah and I would get fixed by the same reasoning and effects.
If they gave me that life I seek, and their love, and started to fix themselves, they'd have freedom in my love, which would be their slave. I wonder how they would both react sharing a man so devoted to them.
But now, when I have the means and Sarah comes face to face with an option for security that Chris will never provide, and Judy has to face that I am fed up and just won't sit back denied any more, I wonder what that will bring.
We need this change. I doubt it will come though. Eventually Judy will either get well or kill herself. She never listens to me though. I'm right about so much, and so what if I want what I want, that is my right. I have to be silent and hide how I feel and that is wrong.

Judy took Sarah to the hospital today, which was a waste of time, with an exception. Sarah told Judy about a girl she's attracted to and they discussed bisexuality, and I think Sarah wants this girl and Judy and her to go out some night, which would be a great idea, then when I made a comment later Judy said I need to get Rum and Tequlia, and Sarah said she is working on the idea with Judy, and Sarah approached me and touched me. Judy is lucky I don't want to do anything behind her back. If Judy knew how she approached me she'd probally be pissed. But Judy should be the one doing that.
So maybe what needs to work will. It really would be the best thing, and I think they are both starting to see and realize and accept the idea.
Judy's worst problem is a lack of humility, and Sarah's is too much. They balance each other, and it is just a waiting game now.
I really do love both, but Sarah at arm's length. I don't trust her, and while she fits most of what I'd like to add to Judy and I, I have doubts about her honesty.

Sarah was over today helping clean the house. We all got it better than it has been in a while, but still not what I'd like. Judy set out a fake set of methadones and counted them very carefully, and one went missing. Sarah asked for one for Chris, which we said no to. We love her, but this pilfering a little at a time is bullshit. My wallet, Judy's pills, and other little things vanish, and maybe if she wasn't always so without and so desperate maybe she'd not steal, but even a little is too much, and there sometimes just isn't anyone else who would or had the chance, and things just do not vanish into thin air.
We understand and feel sorry for her, but this shit has got to stop. I know it is a hard thing to have nothing and no way to get anything, and being addicted to that shit is hell, but she needs to make some changes. We are the best friends she really has, and that is why I want what I want out of a extended family and two wife house, because it would solve those problems for her and be an asset and big motivation thing for Judy. Life would just be better.
I haven't seen Amanda or the baby yet, but really want to, and hope to tomorrow. That's another one that would blend just too well. I know it sounds greedy and all, and maybe part of it is... well, no maybe, but it also means a lot more on my head and more shit to deal with. I just see it working better, life working better. I was meant to lead a tribal clan sort of thing, and sometimes more is better.
Sarah gives glances sometimes, between us, that I know she'd be so down with it, but Judy has to assert that it would be okay before Sarah comes off of it. I respect that she doesn't want to hurt Judy or the friendship that has grown there, but her stealing and being lazy or selfish does that as well, but that is her shortcomings, and Judy and I have ones of our own as well, so we can't pass judgement ourselves because we know her heart is more loving and good than her actions. Love is acceptance, and I think we all could share a great life.
Today was a great example of how the house I want us to be would work, and it would.

Amanda had labor induced, although I wish I could have done a natural inducement for her, and had her baby girl 18 hours ago about 6 in the morning. I'm painting her place, just painted the floor (it's concrete). And have to fix the thin pink she painted on the bedroom walls. She's prone to depression, and is already turned off to men for relationships, mostly due to Josh, the asshole sperm donor. She has false hope in him, and she's above that, and I can see how women get a tainted view of us guys with the bad selection so prominent in the South.
I think I'm more in love with being a father than anything else, and would love to go tribal and be the male element in a communal extended family of these beautiful women I love. I know what I like in a woman, and see so much of what I like and love in Judy and Sarah and Amanda. If I could get them to accept the notion of sharing a decent guy, man we could all have a great life together.
I know it isn't traditional in the least, but when I see Sarah with her beautiful girls and Chris, who is such an asshole who places drugs before his family and treats Sarah like shit, or Josh, who is selfish and self-centered and can't see that wonderful woman he has, and see her slip into depression because she gives so much and gets so little back, I want to step in and fill that role, and the weird thing is I want Judy to share it with me, being the matriarch and lady sage to them.
Thing is getting Judy to see how that would benefit her, and if we can cast gender aside in the bedroom and let love and passion flow as it could, there would be wonder and glory in loving each other as friends, companions, and lovers.
Each one has elements that complete the others, and ways to take up the slack, and also inspire and motivate me to give more than I ever could without that motivation. They would all wind yup with a man who would give them love and passion and devotion, and they would have in each other sisters who are best friends who fill in the gaps they have and make life easy for each other.
Sex I could get anywhere. I could get one night stands or even be like the rest of Jacksonville and buy it, but that isn't me and never will be. So is it sex that I want, or the role of SuperDad? I think it is more being the hero, being seen by women I love and like and think deserve better and being that for them, and having the love of kids who look up to me.....
Sex would be nice, but it has to be with women I love and desire because of what they are in their hearts and minds.
Anyway, life could be better, and I have to find a way to make it what I know will be best for all of us.

Sarah has been scarce lately, sadly, but when I look at her there is so much in how we look at each other. No way she can deny it, and no way I can hide it. Even Patty said she saw it and knew or felt there was something between us. It comes off in waves, a look of love. When Sarah looks at me I can see how she feels. I just wish she would come off of it and come clean with how she feels to Judy, and I think if she did Judy would come off of her shit as well.
These two need to share me, and we need to all share each other and raise our kids together under one roof somewhere. But so much needs to be fixed first, most of which money could solve. My hero complex kicking in again....
We all need a fresh start away from Jacksonville and the things that steal our lives from us. That will come, and when it does I am ready to embrace it.
We all have a lot to fix, and things will get fixed easier if we are honest and help each other. Sarah tries to float her sinking ship, which is a bad marriage to a user who puts himself first and doesn't deserve the kids he has, and who is a junkie. Sarah runs to her escapes and does whatever it takes justifying her acts however, trying to make good what is bad and keep her world from getting worse or falling apart, and needs to just grow a spine and take a stand.
Judy needs to get off her ass and take charge of her life and contribute without her pity pot or thinking she's owed anything, and I need to get out of my funk, because I feel like an unappreciated source of making for sponges who take and expect and give me so little back of what I need or want, and need to be able to turn a key without fear. Fear can be debilitating.
But we all have what the other lacks and needs, and if we work together we can fix most of what is going wrong and that good will make more good follow.
I guess it is just a waiting game to see how it all unfolds. My approach would be to make a pack, make a plan, and execute it and work at it until it happens. Sarah and Judy just seem to be floating more, and that makes me float along with them. Damn it nobody listens to me.
Such is life I guess.

So many things I want to say, so much I want changes and to change, and my hands are tied. Judy lets this place go to hell, and it really has effected me through the years. It is depressing. When she is functioning life is acceptable, and sometimes even happy, but she doesn't take care of anything or take initiative to get things done. Sarah is the same way, it taking DCF to show up to get her house done, but she gets depressed over Chris like I do over Judy. Then when Judy says shit like Sarah doesn't want me or thinks I'm not attractive I have to laugh, because she she didn't seem that way when her body yielded underneath mine or she came with my tongue down on her. She wants me but wants to see Judy and I work it all out, and also hopes Chris will grow up and keep a job and do right, and she doesn't want Judy thinking bad of her or to know we slept together, and I understand all of that, but she should at least tell Judy how she feels, that she'd like to share me, and that she'd join us both in bed in a heartbeat. If I had the means, that's how it would be.
But Judy lets any little thing knock her down, and you can see where Alex gets his "duck the easy stuff" from. Most of the arguments are over them not doing what they should be, and it has destroyed me, almost to the point where I don't function any more.
All I know is with everything, like the problems with Sarge, no work out there, Alex and school and my ordering him to do work and Judy just sitting on her ass as he falls further behind, blaming all the schools for his failures, well, I am sick of it all, and we need a change, and I don't want to move our problems with us, so my thoughts of what is good about adding Sarah to us under one roof makes even more sense, because her kids, where they are, will always be at risk because Chris is such a drain on everyone and contributes nothing to anyone. Judy and Sarah balance each other out, and with me as pill cop and head of the house it would work better for everyone. It's just a waiting game at this point.

I went off last night a little because the kitchen was completely trashed. Food left out, uncovered leftovers in the fridge, waiting to become chicken food or doggie treats, and a nasty floor to walk on, and stain encrusted stove.... more like a big white roach hotel, roaches check in, then they run the joint....
I DO NOT live like this! I refuse! I bitch about it and Judy gets an attitude that I complain, but what the hell! And she wonders why I have started to shut down more. I covered her slack for a long time, but they would create more of a mess than I was able to clean every day, and Judy, on the couch with a blind eye, let Alex tear up so much shit of mine it isn't funny, then she makes excuses for it!
Judy has the nerve to call Sarah lazy, which she is, and I know even I have become lazy, but only because it is frustrating to clean or fix something then have it trashed moments later.
I feel like I'm in Evan Almighty when he tries to shave the beard... he cuts whiskers away and as soon as he looks away for a second they're back.
And yesterday Judy mentioned to Steph that the men around here, meaning Chris and Wanda's Larry, are sick control freaks. She can't place me in that, because the only thing I do really bitch about is the things that should be done not getting done. I give a wide berth otherwise. In fact, I wish my wife was more outgoing and independent, as long as the shit that it is her responsibility to get done gets done, and not even all of it, just the basics..... I just want basics!
Try to find a man that would be happy for his wife to find her a boy toy or think it would be healthy if she had a passing fancy to experience it. As long as she remembers who she's married to, and is safe, there is a benefit there because you're not denying the one you love something they fantasize about, so with you they get to be free and fulfilled, instead of confined and restricted and "owned". Humans are not designed for monogamy, but we are possessive when we are insecure. We have to own and control everything around us out of fear, fix it into a stationary state, and get upset at change, when change is the very nature of all life.
This I do not understand. I can grasp it, but I can't see it as valid despite how I have tried to fit in and conform.
Western society is a matrix and web of restrictions and rules and false standards and as a result a society of too many laws, technical crimes, betrayals, and perversions. Loyalty and compassion and empathy are the real building blocks of a healthy society. It is frustrating, like living in an alien world, to believe in those things and live in this society and culture. truth and honor are not subjective concepts nor can they be applied in that manner.
So I am honest about how I feel and what I want, and at least Judy understand that. Sarah loves me, and likes the idea of one big bed for Judy and I and her, and desires me, but is afraid that her real feelings will hurt the friendship she and Judy have, so she plays a cover-up game, and Judy does the same thing over different stuff....
But if Judy and Sarah shared one roof, even without me, they both would do better and be better, and if they let some tenderness and passion on physical terms flow when it wanted to and was proper, would be so much less stressed out in their lives. They really do compliment each other, and can fix each other in ways I even can't. But with me in the middle, loving them and giving them much of what they need out of a man, and being allowed to be a traditional strong handed man and father figure, they would both do so well they would eventually run circles around me.
I'm sorry but drama, problems, pills and shopping are not the root foundations of a healthy life. We need, all of us, so much more. besides, their way is NOT working for either one of them. They at least need to capitulate enough to just try my way for a while somewhere down the line. Once we get clear of this house Sarah just needs to come with us. Judy would like it if Sarah moved in, but she isn't a big fan of the relationships I want yet, and that is because she still sees with jealous and possessive eyes. thing is, my way, she gets to have a stronger bond and basis of a friendship with Sarah, and gets me happier and more motivated and complete, which means she gets me on better terms than she ever would otherwise, making our love stronger and more romantic. In one hour she will have been on the couch for 12 hours, or half a day. I want her to have a rewarding life where she sleeps maybe 8 hours and is so excited by living and doing that she can't wait to get up and start her day.
You can't lay around all day long and expect your body to work like it is supposed to. I have pain that I just work through, and the more I ignore it the less it actually bothers me. I have this added weight from depression and a change in life resulting from living with a couch person. I used to go dancing all the time. Now I am so driven down that I can't stand it.
So we all need to help and fix each other, and it is like a soapbox mantra, but it is the truth.
truths have a way of seeing light after a long night.

She just needs to come off of it....

I just woke up from a dream where Judy was wrapped around me from behind, and I could feel her tits and hair and pussy pressed up against me, and Sarah was in front of me, all of us legs entwined, and I could feel her pussy up against my leg, and I actually felt them as if it was real. I woke up from that dream with a boner pissed off it wasn't real. But it was in a farmhouse bedroom, at night, with a breeze coming in upon us, and a coolness like sweat drying after good sex. The dream felt natural because the love we could all share with each other is so natural, based on friendship above everything else. Sarah has some issues, and so does Judy, and so do I, but we can heal each other, inspire and motivate each other, and without a doubt the sex between us, especially all of us together, would be amazing.
Sarah I am stoned cold in love with. I'm in love with my wife, and love her still, but I love Sarah as well and want her with me and with us. In fact, loving Sarah has made my love for Judy even stronger.
All the drama and bullshit Sarah is going through stems from her worthless piece of shit of a husband, Chris. he is a liar, care more about video games and drugs than his own kids, and treats her like property or dirt. Those girls deserve better, and if Judy and I were her lover/companions we all would have a better life. Judy as it is doesn't do much housework, and runs her mouth complaining all the time, but when Sarah and her are together they really do motivate each other, but this, or anywhere with us, is where Sarah needs to be.
Sarah and I have had really good sex and that is when we both were not at our best, and Judy and I always have fairly decent or good, so in a relationship that includes sex we'd have better than most, and I wish Judy would explore that side with Sarah, because it would cement them more. And yes, in the middle of the night, when my thoughts run to them both naked and yielding, I can't help but put all this down. I can see and taste their pussys melting in my mouth, and in my hands. They both are quite alike in some ways and so different in others, that it all just fits, and I want them both together more than anything else.
How to get there I consider so many times a day it isn't funny, and there is a hard road ahead, but somehow we'll get through it all. I just need a decent break first.

I really feel for Sarah. DCF got called on them, and it is because she stays there with Chris under the rules he imposes and shit cast upon her by her evil stepmother that she has so much sadness and stress. Judy and I both just wish she would fight for her rights and what is right, but she is their doormat, and so makes stupid mistakes just to try to deal.
She needs out of there. Naturally I want her with us, and know where her living with us would lead, but apart from that, if it meant never seeing her again to know she gets away clean from Chris, that would even be worth it, because those beautiful little girls need away from him and them.
I can't wait to get some cases won and recover some damages from the years of shit I've endured, and when I do, I'll be able to create what I am talkuing about, but until then, she needs away from him, back to her dad or something, anything but him.
There just has to be some sort of change soon......

Today wasn't bad. Sarah, Judy and I went to Dr. Day, so the junkie twins have pills now, and Sarah tried to get extra for Chris, and Judy and I are both pissed by that because Chris sucks, and I will be damned if her gets any, ever. But he gives her shit because he knows we'll help her out but not him. I was at the computer today and I made a crack about being God because I have control of the pills and Judy was in the kitchen and I whispered to Sarah that she said "Oh, God" kinda much when I went down on her and she shot me a bird, with a smirk letting me know I got that one, and kinda, I think, to let me know that yes, I got that one.
And tonight Judy actually allowed me to get a finger up her ass and masturbated for me while she sucked my dick. She is EXACTLY the kind of woman who would love to suck a dick while she gets fucked, and maybe even go all the way out for airtight. If I can reawaken the freaky whore that resides in all women in her maybe we can have that wild side stuff together. I love my wife, and don't want it all the time, but sometimes I'd love it, and a big part of the reason is I love seeing women, especially ones I love, go into a frenzy state.
Now if I could just get her to freak a little with Sarah, and that will take Sarah coming clean on how she feels for me, Judy and I together, and just asking to share me sometimes and join Judy and I, which is the terms I want any of it on anyway.
I want that level of honesty and erotic friendship with my wife as my partner. Things will be hard for a while, but if I can keep everything together until shit falls our way I think Sarah will come along with us. I know she wants to. I really believe Judy would let friendship go in that direction and include some passion, and would be just as fulfilled by it all if Sarah can just make the decision to get away from dickhead once and for all. She needs a stronger spine, and man they really do need to be a team and be the strength for each other where they are weak.
Like tonight would have been a perfect night to be with both, either together or with one first then the other, and I really do need two or three orgasms to sleep as well as I like. But I can feel in my mind's eye how sleeping, and I mean sleeping as in the thing you collapse into after sex, with both of them would be.
The seed of those ideas just might be growing in Judy, as I am sure they are in Sarah. The love I have with Sarah really does make the love I have for my wife stronger. I just wish they both could just get the words out there so they can be acted upon, and do so so honestly that it has to be tried.
I'm also wondering what is up with Amanda, and how close she is to dropping. Besides how well she would fit in as a fourth, or third wheel, I think she is way mature and has loads of sense, just lack experience. I also think she would do well to stick close to us, because there is loyal friendship that comes from Judy and I. despite Judy's many flaws that frustrate me and anger me to no end, she really is good hearted and decent. It isn't for lack of desire that things aren't how I want them, even from her. It is what I love most in her.

and here's the funny part.....

I wasn't really that happy today. Yeah it was Mother's Day, but Judy hasn't acted in a way lately much where I feel she deserved any special treatment. She has been leaving dirty dishes, dirty floors, unkept everything, and pumping out excuses right and left. I can work until I ache and am burnt red by the sun, and she does nothing to help much, and yes, she has behaved in ways that have fucked up Alex, and he sees it clearly.
I bitch about a lot, but I am justified in what I bitch about. I don't complain about what I am lacking or don't have that much, but about others not doing their part or even trying to do better.
And as for Sarah, Judy says she's taking the kids with her when she goes pill hunting, and I could kick her ass for that. Yes, she needs to grow a spine and leave Chris and stop putting up with shit, and like me it has hurt her over the years, but taking her kids with her, and still, at times, trying to get stuff for Chris when the selfish bastard abuses her and treats her like shit...
THAT is why I also want her as my and maybe our lover, so I can voice up and put a foot in her ass if she ever tries that stupid shit again.
And the funny part, Judy today bringing up Sarah, calling me fat as an attack, then saying Sarah thinks I'm nasty, but little does she know that Sarah completely got satisfied on the couch she parks her ass on all day long before that couch even made it to this house, and spent about 20 mins giving me really great head, and wrapped herself around me on it, and that she is in love with me, but keeps up that stupid front as a cover, when she really needs to come clean about things. Judy needs a lesson in humility, and until she learn how to be more humble she won't be what I want, just what I can put up with and sometimes enjoy when I can ignore the shitty parts that I just can't stand.
Sarah fits, but we both have to ignore how we feel and what we want because of how it all is, but if that shit was gone, there is no doubt. I know, and she does, and there is solace in that, but only so much, and poor Sarah, with a big heart and conscience and so fucked up from Chris and his mom, and not knowing anything different. She just isn't secure or brave enough, but one day she will be, and I hope when that day comes she lets that love loose, because what she can do as a companion would be great given the right man to bring it out in her. Judy could as well, but until she comes down off that high lazy horse, she won't be someone I respect, and you can't always keep loving someone even if you do love them when you don't respect them.
Irony abounds....

I asked Sarah earlier to tell me to my face that she didn't love me, and she couldn't do it, or if she regretted making love to me, and she couldn't, or that she doesn't want to make love to me again, or want me, and she won't. I can tell she is in love with me but she is afraid she'd hurt her friendship with Judy, and I think she needs to come clean about how she feels (not what we did and how great it was). If she told Judy how she feels about me and that she wants to share me and even that she has some attractions to Judy and would like to join us, I know Judy would accept it because she understands that about Sarah, and Judy thinks Sarah's main attraction is to her, that Sarah wants to sleep with her. Sarah want to be involved with us both, and would be with me if Judy and I weren't together, but since we are married she doesn't want to do anything to hurt our marriage and want it to be better. I want it to be better, and think if Sarah was part of our marriage it would be.
I know she doesn't like her Chris much anymore, thinks he's an asshole, and feels stuck because she has four girls and no means of escape. I think if Judy and I had a place that the girls could be with her with us that she'd jump on it in a heartbeat. I have had decent sex with her, because I was sick and she was zoned when we did, and it was still amazing, and I think that if I could have be intimate with them both without jealousy that these two beautiful and amazing women would shine. We all need friends and loves and companions and allies, and that's what we are to a degree now, but together we can make sure each other does better, so the matrix of it would just work. Besides, I think if I was the object of their love and sexual release that all of us would have more desire and reward and happiness. I can still taste Sarah like I can remember and taste the flavor of my wife. And I want, even more than the sex, to be naked with both of them curled up to me sleeping.
Sarah knows I love her, and she knows that she loves me, and knows I know that as well. Judy knows I love her still after all these years, and sleeping with Sarah and loving her reinforces and reminds me why I love my wife and why I stay through everything when I could be a bastard and take an easier path. Judy knows I love Sarah, but think Sarah loves but is not in love with me, and that is what Sarah needs to fess up to, and Sarah loves Judy, more as a friend, but if I was there would be quick to join us. It starts with Sarah admitting how she feels without admitting what we have already shared. She could tell her that she was interested in being with another man but wanted someone safe and someone she cares about but who won't be a problem or want commitments, and that she feels like I deserve that from them both, and Judy would surprise her, because she won't throw away the friendship over it, in fact, it would give them something else in common to share. And, honestly, if I have them both sharing me they can go play however and whenever they want, as long as I am never denied more than one day.
But that is twisted little me.....
But what to do.

Still There

Judy and I are having better sex and more often, and that in part is due to my having made love to Sarah. She reminds me of what I love in my wife, and I'm in love with her independently of that as well. I really think Sarah would like us to be one big family and to share living and loving, and even though she sees Judy more like a sister, them being sister wives makes sense because they can work well together and cover each other's slack, and help each other with life in general. I'd love it if they were lovers a little as well independent of me. They love each other, so being intimate with each other would give them a connection aspect that would do them both wonders. We all fit together, and we all belong together. Chris is never going to treat her better or be what she needs a man to be for her girls, and Judy being there would make having four girls so much easier, that all of what I've been saying just makes sense.
And me, I'm so sexual I could make love to them both three times a day each and still want to go again. I had a passing thought that they'd have a conversation one day about my being horny and them both knowing it and debating who sleeps with me that night and making deals to keep me in check with sex or chores.
I'm ion love with my wife, and in love with Sarah, and even more in love with wanting them both to be my partners and us all sharing life and love somewhere away from this shit that is Jacksonville. Judy really isn't that jealous like Sarah thinks, she and I discuss women, how they look, and all, and Judy even can recognize what kind of woman I'd like just as much as I can tell if I could love a woman at first sight, or how she can sum up a guy in a glance and be 90% right. She knows I love Sarah and accepts it, and if Sarah was just flat out honest about how she feels about me and asked Judy if she'd share me I'd bet she give a quick yes because it would take some of the pressures off of her and I think she knows that when I am happy I'm up for giving more and better of myself in just about every aspect.
I could see Sarah opening up and just telling Judy that she loves her and loves their friendship and has to admit to her that she is attracted to me and loves me and would like to share me and have me every once in a while, and loves me for most of the same reasons Judy does, and I am pretty sure Judy would take a day or so to digest it and then work out some sort of Skot sharing arrangement and terms.
If Sarah said to Judy that she wanted for her and the girls to move in and to share me every once in a while, that she respected Judy and our marriage and their friendship so that Judy had the last word on when, where, and how we would be together, and that she agreed that I had some valid points about how and why we should all be together, Judy would be happy with it because I really believe Judy knows I'm right. She has no comebacks for the points I've made, and she knows that I'm going to feel like I feel no matter what. She thinks that Sarah doesn't want me because Sarah puts on a front that she's not interested, when with her zoned and a little sick and me sick we had amazing sex. I told Sarah today that if she and I made love with us both feeling good it would be amazing, and I know Sarah likes pussy maybe not as much as dick, but she likes it and Judy is sexy, and if they shared me there would be some erotic between them, more than likely with me being with them both to make it okay. It's like how I am about men. I don't want to sleep with a guy, but if there is a girl and a guy then letting loos a little can be great if you see it as three people making love together and not two men and a woman or two women and a man. Just as long as no one tries to put a dick in my ass I'm fine.
I think most girls feel that way about their asses as well. And Sarah and Judy both like being eaten with a finger or two on that Gspot. They are the same in so many ways and unique in ways that make things interesting and fresh, and what it brings out in me is a better me than I have been able to summon in a long time.
Besides, I love the idea of being a good male role model for the girls and Judy loves the girls as well. Sarah balances us and we balance her and there is a security in us all being together. Good and real friends, ones willing to accept each other for their humanity and shortcomings and love them anyway, are really, really rare, and I know in the depths of my soul that we all belong together more than I've known anything about any relationship I've ever had.
And it was funny today, Sarah came over when I was getting out of the bath and I was making jokes about a bathtub built for three and asked the girls when they last time they had a nice bath with a good man was. Sarah almost blushed, and I could see she remembered how nice that was. I wanted to do that with Judy as well, and also want them both in a bath with me. In fact, I want to have them both naked, feed them tasty snacks and make them mixed drinks, massage them and pamper them, then be their sex slave, together. I think Judy would like to watch me make love to Sarah, because I'd have to look at my wife and let her know how much more I'd love her for giving me what I want and feel I deserve.
And I think Sarah would like watching me with Judy, that she would get turned on by it and I think us three as one love would bring out the best in each of us, and give us the drive to be better to each other and ourselves. It has to start with Sarah and Judy opening up and talking, and with Sarah being honest with herself and Judy enough to just tell her how she feels, and Judy still never needs to know about Sarah and I already having been together, because it really wasn't a betrayal. We all have the right to step away from our lives and commitments when we have to to keep our sanity or be fulfilled by desire when we need that. That is why I think Judy needs a night with some young cute guy, to go relive a little of her wilder youth and remember that part of herself, so it can awaken and then she can access it and share it with me.
Judy is just too hung up, and Sarah and her are both depressed so much, that love freely flowing and relied upon shared by us three would fix those broken things we otherwise never will. It is like a fountain of strength and happiness that can we can find happiness in.
I'd even, after a time and if it looks permanent, to have a private ceremony between us three where Judy and I together add Sarah to our marriage. I don't want to be married to two women, I want my marriage with my wife to marry and include Sarah and our family to marry her family, which doesn't mean Chris, because you have to be there for real to be a father. To me, she is a single mom living with a sponging ex who abuses her and neglects his kids. I want to kick his ass.
And I'd love them both to find a level of sexuality and intimacy between them that isn't some perverted lesbian thing, but for us all to be more physical with each other on a level when touch is given for connection and healing and as an expression of the good feelings we have for each other. I don't want a dick sucked/pussy eaten priority sexuality between us, I want a romantic intimacy and companionship where sex is just as important and no more important than hugs or kisses hello or goodbye. I want it to be the comforting contact and sharing that I think it is meant to be.
Maybe I am a reincarnated Bonobo. Maybe the Hindus are right and that was in my past manifestation... But I would love to be the meat in their sandwich, and to see them start living and loving and allowing no restrictions on what we all share with each other. They don't need to see each other as sisters that way, or to think that it is part of some lesbian experience, but that they recognize what they feel for each other and just share the enjoyment of touch and sensations of intimacy that allow friendships to phase in and out of romantic and erotic fulfillment without it hurting their friendships, in fact making their friendships stronger because they have allowed themselves to express love in the most passionate and pleasurable way possible. I want the love between us all to be so binding that we all find real peace and rest by wanting to be touching each other as we sleep.
We all have our problems, and we all need to just team up and help each other being more concerned about each other than ourselves, in that way, with that same thing being reflected back, having not one but two people to rely upon and be there and give us love that is real and true.
It's funny, because the two of them together would also mean they could team up on me where I have to do more chores or work or be accountable for things, but even the negative aspects of that I welcome, because the challenges of it all will make me work harder to be better, and feel like there is some reward for all I do. I heard a song that fits how I feel, and applied to this aspect, if they both knew what was in my heart and mind I think they'd be overwhelmed by the love and understanding in both.

Artist: Justin Townes Earle
Song: Mama's Eyes
Album: Midnight at the Movies

I am my father's son
I've never known when to shut up
I ain't fooling no one
I am my father's son
we don't see eye to eye
and I'll be the first to admit Ive never tried
it sure hurts me, it should hurt sometime
we don't see eye to eye
I was a young man when

I went down the same road as my old man
I was younger then
now its three am and I'm standing in the kitchen
holding my last cigarette
strike a match and I see my reflection in the mirror in the hall
and I say to myself
I've got my mama's eyes
her long thin frame and her smile
and I still see wrong from right
cuz I've got my mama's eyes
yea I've got my mama's eyes
*************************************************
It fits except for the thin frame thing, and I have a different road than my father, but I do have many of his values about right and wrong and keeping it all inside and having to be strong and show no weakness. Well, they both can see when I'm hurt, tired, or weak, and they both get concerned and want to make it better for me, to mother me, and that is a wife thing, woman thing. I want to be that strong man that melts and gets healed by the women he loves, and provide and protect for them. I can't do it here anymore. I don't want trapped in some pointless labor job that will take me nowhere, and hate the people here, and with a new start I think we'd all be motivated to make it all work as it should. We'd need to isolate ourselves a little, until we got a functioning home, then I think life would be rewarding and full of happiness like none of us have ever known, and our kids would all do so much better as well.
But enough for now. Judy I love you, and Sarah I love you as well, but I love being a father and living in erotic and romantic tenderness and companionship, and think this is our best shot at living a dream. can you silly bitched hear me...

I love The Indigo Girls, and just heard Hammer and Nail on the radio....


clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
i've been digging too deep
i always do
i see my face on the surface
i look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

i had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years
and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell
and just where it starts
but my life is more than a vision
the sweetest part is acting
after making a decision
started seeing the whole
as a sum of its parts

and i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

my life is part of the global life
i'd found myself becoming more immobile
when i'd think a little girl in the world
can't do anything
a distant nation my community
and a street person my responsibility
if i have a care in the world
i have a gift to bring

i look behind my ears for the green
even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

Bruce Springsteen:
Tomorrow Never Knows lyrics

Where the cold wind blows
Tomorrow never knows
Where your sweet smile goes
Tomorrow never knows
You and me we've been standing in my den
Waiting for that time to come
Where the green grass grows
Tomorrow never knows
In the field your long hair flows
Down by the tail end of the tracks
Beneath the water tower
I carried you on my back
Over the rusted spikes of that highway of steel
When no more thunder sounds
Where the time goes
Tomorrow never knows &
Where he who waits for the day's riches will be lost
In the whispery town
Where the river flows
Tomorrow Never Knows

If these two beautiful women could understand what I'm saying, in my words and in these lyrics, man life would be just so amazing......

Judy has been easier to deal with and a bit more sex lately. The other night we actually made it to a whole half hour (oooh weeiiiiiii), and I laid her our with some intensity and she acted like she really wanted to keep up. She's functioning an far less pills than normal, but I can't trust her with more than a day's worth at a time because she'll overuse and beg for more. Sarah is functioning, barely, and yesterday Cricket's brother Danny and his stripper piece of shit girlfriend Jessica stole her puppy, a female blue pit who was smart and sweet. Chris has the police after him for stealing manhole covers and selling them for scrap so I know he didn't want the cops around, even for a police report over the dog, and Sarah is afraid of DCF because Danny threatened to call in so many words if she didn't forget it, so she rolled over. Judy and I think in some sick way she like playing the victim, but it is her and the girls that always lose like that. Her husband is pure nasty shit, and she doesn't want to "take the girls away from their daddy"... but he is the furthest thing from a daddy or father to any of them. If anything, they will grow up to think that abusive men are normal or wind up lesbian because they hate men.
Judy understands that is one of the many reasons I want what I want, why it makes sense. Sarah away from Chris and Jacksonville would shine, but until she gets up the courage to make any real change she will suffer and be unhappy and those girls will be in at risk situations. Even if a man has a magic dick, without being a decent guy with a heart it don't mean shit. Sex might last a few years, and love a few more, but it takes real companionship and friendship to last a lifetime, and Chris will never be that for her. It took years for Judy and I to get that real partnership thing back, and we're still working on it. If Sarah was with us that whole drama wouldn't have a premise, and the day instead would have been us all going someplace as a family doing stuff together. Love flows between us all, any of us, when we all are together, so nothing I say can be disputed about the reasons why I feel like I do, and Judy doesn't realize it is understanding and accepting how I love Sarah as well that has made me have a second wind in our relationship and be willing to try to be romantic again and be accepting of the bullshit I have to deal with. Sarah just needs to come clean with how she feels about me with her, and in part how she feels about where she and Judy are concerned. I know Sarah has a bi side, and I don't think she's interested in going lezzy on Judy, but all of us in one bed is something that interests her I think, and an open romance between us all with one big bed to share would be what I want, because I think we all would be happier and more complete if that kids of relationship is what we all lived in.
Things like shit vanishing, fights, all the bullshit, everything those girls hear and get exposed to, all need to stop. The other reason is that drama makes it this way to our house, and it effects Sarah and the girls and it bothers Judy and I, and we don't want to see it and it draws us into the drama, because we are one of her only safe places left. Chris came over for her and gave a loud pound on the door and was an asshole to her, and should have been her ally comforting her. I want to put his lights out so bad, but that would make things worse for Sarah right now. But whatever is going to be will be, and expressing how I feel has made how I love Judy better, so it is a safe assumption that actually openly expressing it, and all of us together showing nothing but love and concern for each other would be healthy all the way around. Love has a way of bringing out the best in people and making them stronger and happier, and that is the real gem in what I want and why I want it.
Kenny has added some drama elsewhere, supposedly openly telling some people a friend of mine sells pot, and if any of it is true Kenny needs to keep his mouth shut. I think he talks just to talk and is insecure. Stories change sometimes...and there's always a story. But he doesn't need to embellish anything. I just think there's a lot of insecurity, and can't imagine how hard it was for him to grow up gay on the westside, especially a few years back. These insecure ignorant Bible thumping hicks are mean and stupid and selfish, and I have never lived anywhere else where so many people have so much wrong and are so rotten to each other. I hate this part of the South. And yes, it will be different near Elizabeth City. I may run into people of strong right wing religion, but at least they are educated enough to be accepting to live and let live and judge others based on the character of a person.
I've got a feeling things will change soon and fast when they do. I want out of this house, and away from Jax, like yesterday. The amount of scummy people here amazes me and I just don't want to be around it anymore.

Night is Quiet, Thoughts are Loud

Why so much has to be a war I'll never know. I was always the most lighthearted and easygoing person I ever knew, yet everything seems like a burden. This is NOT natural for me, I am so out of my element. It's amazing I can even function, like a fish out of water, swimming magically through the air. That's it, Skot the flying fish!
I have to control Judy's meds, and Sarah has either been sick because her supply has dried up some (none to bum, none to pilfer) because they stay in my pocket. I feel for her........ I love her, but I can't let that be a factor because she doesn't need to walk down the path I'm fighting to get Judy off of. EVERYONE I know, almost, has some sort of problem or dependence on some sort of drug or escape. I am not used to this, still, and it simply dumbfounds me to no end how so many people can have so many problems. Life is so much of a lighter thing to me.
My ideas on love and relationships and sex are way different than the general accepted norm, but look at how dysfunctional everyone I know with those standards is/are! I hate and don't allow drama, and sadly my wife is lazy and disguises it and tries for sympathy because of her aches and pains.... like I don't have any. I work through mine. That is something that is a character trait that was much more popular in the WWII generation, my mom and dad's generation, than mine, or more so the generation coming up now. No one takes responsibility anymore it seems, and that is so sad.
That is why making a move is so critical. I am losing Alex because of his mother and this environment. It will take making that move and change. And my views on more than one lover are very sound given the circumstances and the nature of my being. If age wasn't a factor at all, I'd scarp up Amanda in a heartbeat because she at least has a strong work ethic and with the right old man would be simply amazing. Sarah has been fucked up to a degree by being trapped with Chris and having kids so young and her circumstances, and Judy simply has become too lazy about things and critical about others.
But I think I can make an environment that can fix them. Amanda doesn't need that much work, she just need someone who can reflect and return what she is able and willing and wants to give. But she needs someone of character, and despite the age thing, I fit that. besides, if I ever got her to go to a club with me she'd be able to keep up if I started dancing..... and damn I miss that.
When people around you are fucked up and weak or depressed it rubs off, it is like they shit all over the lawn, and you wind up stepping in it. You wonder what the smell is, and have to live with it or stop and scrape it off.
It looks like these suits won't settle quickly as I'd like, but that doesn't phase me much. I do intent to win, and think I will easily.
I just have to hold all this bullshit together until it all comes round my way.
Amanda is like so ready to drop, and I'd like to be more involved in everything. At least she is getting over her asshole sperm donor.
Sarah is like frantic about finding pills but maybe feels guilty about coming around to ask because of things gone missing. She also feels a little guilty about making love to me, but is in conflict because it was so great, and wants to again, but is just afraid Judy would find out because she doesn't want Judy to think she betrayed her, but as I told her when we did, what we had was between she and I, an escape for sanity's sake, a time to express love and passion without conditions or expectations, which is what a marriage should be every day. So she is torn, but she is torn by something that has to rank among the most romantic and passionate experiences of her life. Face it, a bath, wine, having her hair washed and rinsed with a crystal goblet, eaten into a frenzy, slowly and with passion, with breaks for soft kisses, and gentle massage, then to be cuddled and loved and the way it all went down, it was what we both wanted and one of those moments you'd want to last much longer than it did.
But lovemaking is like that to me. I am quick to be attracted, choosy to like, easy to love and slow to act upon it, and quick to eliminate those who don't have character or warmth. There has to be some really good qualities for me to stick dick, even hold a conversation for that matter. If they can't be a friend and companion I don't want them as a lover. It makes love to thin to be worth anything if you do. Some casual sex is okay, but there has to be something there as well. I won't share a drop of sweat or sperm with someone who sucks as a human being, period.
But I know love I didn't expect has appeared where I didn't want or expect it to, and I am honest and in touch with myself enough to recognize and acknowledge it.
I am also not one to throw someone away just because they have changed and slipped a little. I made a vow to Judy and still take it seriously. I never promised to love only her, it was never a vow. My vow was to love her through all the changes that may come, and work to make things work, and that is what I am still doing. I think these wild views make me healthier and more sound. I am solid if anything else, and am not easily shaken.
Resigned to reality and resolved to make it all better if I can. You can't ask for anything more than that.

How Soon Is Now

On the other site I just posted, and here are the thoughts that I keep a little more private than private...
I had the flash of the song How Soon Is Now by the Cure.... and it says something about being denied love by a loved, which is like keeping water from the parched or air from the gasping......
That song makes me also remember alternative clubs, all of that that went with it, including many beautiful women who have a real alternative streak. That makes me think of Amanda, and why I associate that with her, well, maybe I see what is best out of those experiences in her for some reason.
I'd love to be me exactly as I was in age and everything when that song was brand new and run into Amanda as she is right now at a club. That would be a great starting point for both of us and it would be great... and at least I have that thought and kinda know what could/would unfold.
Funny thing is Amanda may be inexperienced and making those mistakes, but when that passes she doesn't seem like she will have many of the problems thatr Judy and Sarah share, like pill addictions and depressions. She might have problems with substances and depression a little now, and I hope, if nothing else, that I can help guide her to a self-assured state where she discovers her power and can control those deamons that we all are subject to.
Now Sarah, stealing from Judy and I, pills gone, my wallet gone. She would deny it, but what other explaination is there? Things are gone and there was no one else here. Like Judy said, I misplace my wallet so much that she maybe thought that would cover it vanishing, and she needed money and pills from money so she, and asshole Chris, wouldn't go through withdrawals.
She gets desperate, and uses junkie tools to justify pill crazy moves and problems just like Judy does. They BOTH need off of pills and to learn to stand down pain and problems on their own again, and everything I've said about how well they would function under one roof sharing first life, then me, then each other, is more than valid. It is fact, but takes courage to recognize truth, like the truth that they can't manage pills or meds or their lives without a gatekeeper to the pills, which falls to me, because I am not addicted to anything other than romance and sex. But I can, and do, walk away from sex offers, I just gravitate towards where romance and tenderness sources, but only when I know my feelings are real and have a reason to love that person.
I can fix so much if the path I see and explain is just started down. I don't want to carry anyone unless I have to. But that path I set out has healing resources along the way, and it just takes a leap of faith to trust someone else's judgement.
It takes a re-evaluation by them of their values and beliefs, so they have to have an open mind and be willing to try life a different way. I don't know if they have the will or courage to take those steps. For Judy it means opening up her bed and heart to share her man with another woman, for Sarah it means walking away from Chris and that bad environment her girls and her are subjected to, and for both it means kicking pills so much, and not allowing pill drama to effect them or the kids. For Amanda it means trying out life as I expressed and taking the chance on something different, and her's would be more of a leap of faith in a way because we don't have as much of a history, it is mostly my sense of knowing about what would work and how. But she needs people around her who would help with her baby girl, be there for her as real friends, and to have a lover whom she can trust not to neglict or abuse her love. She needs romance and tenderness and wants that "sleep and cuddle with" like I do, and we would have more of a sexual friendship with aspects of romance. The dynamics of each relationship are such that each woman fits a part of what I need to be happy, and I fit what they need the most, and they would own that part of me, and if they can accept that each of them has their own special place but know that they have a sacred part that they are best at and for with me, it honestly would work.
We all want security as well, and I believe so much in freedom and individual rights that if either Sarah or Amanda was part of what I am trying to make as a life and wanted to set off in a new direction, they would have a great launch pad. They would have a great base to return to when they are weak. It just takes a totally new approach to life, a new way of thinking for everyone except me, because I know what it is I'm talking of, and have seen it work, been part of it working.
Judy, my self-proclaimed hippie, who is all hippie except the free love part. If she is or becomes a real partner in this mindset she would benefit most of all. Nailing Sarah, sharing what we did how we did, it was refreshing so much that my overall attitude is so much better, and Judy has been much happier because I have been so, and been so much more giving of myself and understanding. If she knew why I am easier to deal with and have some of that spark back she might attack it and think of it as an attack on her.... but it makes me work, sets me at my best, and like tonight, when I want round two and get shut down, or want a middle of the night thing, and instead have to shake it away alone, well, that hurts her because it creates in me frustration and resentment because a wife should take care of her man and his needs, period, at least half of the time.
I would be happy with a 1/10th of the time!
I like crazy love, being in love so much that the other person is everything, and when two people are like that with each other, it is amazing. Now if parts of that get to run with two or three women, wow! And if they find love beyond me and want to have that as well, good for them. I will be there to set them on their way if they decide that is their path and pick them up if it goes bad and they are hurt. people should be that honest and free. That way, real commitments made on honest terms get made, and are much more likely to be kept. That is the real loyalty of love.

This is a lyrics night... I guess. This is a song by Alejandro Escovedo, Springsteen even did a cover of it...

Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh

Every once in a while
Honey Let your love show
Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself show
Nobody gets hurt
No, no
Ooh, ooh
Nobody gets hurt

Well
We came here as two
We laid down as one
I don't care
If I'm not your only What I see in you
You see in me But if I be wrong
Smoke my smoke Drink my wine
Bury my snakeskin boots Somewhere I'll never find
Still be your lover baby

Oo, oo, oo

Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh ooh
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh

Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself go
Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself show

Nobody gets hurt
No, no
Ooh ooh
Nobody gets hurt

Well I could be an astronaut On the wrong side of the moon
Or wrapped up like a baby On a bus under you
Wherever I go You go with me
But if I do you wrong Take the master suite
I'll take the floor Sleep in late
Get some rest I'll get mine
Still be Your lover baby

Oo, oo, oo

Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?

Every once in a while Honey
Let your love show
Every once in a while
Honey let yourself Go
Nobody gets hurt
It's only love Love, love
Oo, oo, oo

Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?

Ot has a great mindset. It say be happy for the love you are able to share, on whatever terms you can, and that I don't want to change or won you, just to share what we can...

Passion Rules!

I just posted on the other site, but need also, so I can remember all the details, lay out what happened when Sarah and I made love.

We were down in Orange Park and she was painting with me. She was tired and I ran a bath for her and lit candles and all, and she got in, and once in I joined her, without any contesting. I washed her hair for a long time, and massaged her, and we caressed and kissed and spent time just looking at each other eye to eye. We spent a good 45 minuets with it all, and I barely touched her pussy or tits during all of this. I just let the tenderness and romantic love inside of me rule, and she ate it up.
Then we had sex on the new green couch. I lit candles in the garage where it was, and there was good music, and set up drinks and smokes, and when we hit the couch she tried to start right in, but I laid her back and started soft and romantic petting. gave her another massage, and let sex touches get more and more as part of it. Once the massage relaxed her back and got rid of knots, then I let the sexual aspects kick in. I slid my fingers inside of her and went for the G-spot ridges, and fluttered over her clit, and then out and to exploratove sexual massage, then back in, then entered her for just a few thrusts then exited and went down on her. I would stop when she would get on the quick climb to gasam, and eat around her pussy or hit the tits or ears and neck, then back down. When it was right I stayed down there for quite a while, fingers in then out, nipple strokes, then used tongue and lips to push down the skin over her clit and hit it head on and she responded so sweetly.
She has a small clit but to me it was easy to find. I saw this lovemaking with her in a dream not long back. She liked and asked for fingers in, so went to town, adding changes and not staying on one spot too long, changing speeds, then laid into it when she started cumming, then laid in harder so she had mini-multiples or one really long one. I'd slow up when she started begging for me to stop, then as she relaxed go faster and harder, and was locked in. She had a mini-gush. I could tell it wasn't a full one, and I respected stopping when and after she had so much that she was near spastic. Then I went inside of her and thrusted her a little one, going from slow friend to deep firm grind to fast thrust and back again. Then we cuddled and caressed for a while.
We fit so well, and she is so soft to be with, I like how I can grab the whole pussy in my palm. I love her taste as well. She IS a natural blond. We talked a little about how we like it, and she told me except for one guy before Chris that was in and out, and I mean just that, they stopped and didn't go through with it, and then with Chris, that I've been the only other man. I am number 2 or 3 depending on how you look at intercourse. She likes how I eat her better than Chris because I don't stay on one spot, and also said it was her first decent orgasm in a while.
Then she gave me head for a good 20 minuets. She is great at that.
We held each other and talked after that. I let her know this was our own secret place between us, and she begged me in the bath and while making love not to tell Judy. She didn't want to hurt her in any way. But while I never would, they all need to realize how it all is. I was renewed and loved without one single condition, and gave her that as well. This was our private time, and to make love to someone you know loves you without any resentments or conditions that is liberating for the soul. I have been much happier, and as I said I would feel and be, I have had it in me to be much better to Judy, like we used to be.
That has made our lovemaking better, me less resentful and feeling more free. It healed me, was good for her, and good for Judy as a result. Sarah now knows even when we both were sick that it was intense. ( I was sick with a chest something ) She has that memory of our private escape into each other. I think she carries some guilt from it, but that will pass and maybe she'll see exactly what I have described to her.
True lovemaking has a healing power that brings peace of mind that fucking could never. But when both are present, it is just simply amazing.....

PillQuesting Bitches

Judy and Sarah went to the doctor's today, so I am now in charge of her medication, and maybe it won't get fucked up anymore... Methadone is a bitch of a drug. It has good uses, but the body craves it and it makes people physically sick when they withdraw. I think I can ween her down to get off it, but it is going to be a hard road. But when I married I made a commitment, and I will stand by it. On top of that, Sarah is addicted to them, just not as bad. Both girls are in pain, but they let the pain and pills to make it go away rule their lives, and force of will can do much of what they rely upon pills for.
But they are better when they work and live life around each other and together. I have more than enough love to stand by them as I help them heal themselves, and inside I know clearly that having both of them as loves and living like sister wives that the love I have inside of me and I can give will be so much more intense and I will have more to give.
Amanda came over today, and she has always looked sexy to me, but her pregnant is just such a turn on. I think she will do great in life, especially if or when she has a decent guy to be there for her. I'd love to be that guy. I think how and who we both are would work well, because there is a real friendship there, but we should be more connected. She needs a good place to be, and my door is open to her, and the elements she would bring in, as a lover/companion or just as a friend living here, would do wonders for both of us and everyone around us. She needs someone who is on her side and will never fuck her over, and that is me, and she would get close to Judy quick as well. She is mature on so many great levels, but she needs to be around love in a supportive environment.
I think we have a "sameness" in so many views, it couldn't help but be great. Modern society has so many shortcomings in how people are close and open with each other. That is a main reason why she needs what I can offer, that is no matter if she gets it from me or finds it somewhere else. I see her depressed sometimes and it hurts me, which is why I know how genuine my feeling are for her.
And Sarah maybe still feels guilty about all the things that have vanished, but it is life with Chris and pain, depression, desperation, and so much else that has fucked her up. Life with us would heal that as well, and does when she spends decent time here and not at the house where she lives with Chris. I refer to it that way, because that really isn't a home. It is a bad environment for those beautiful girls. Much of the attraction and desire for two wives farm is that desire in me to be father to and for them. And when Amanda has her baby girl I could be that as well. As time passes they both may move on if they are lovers and companions and sister wives, and that is just fine, because they would carry the love and what good gets created with them, and leave the same behind.
But I do think that if I can create this life I speak of with either or both of these beautiful women and my wife, who I love so much and want this for because it would do good for her as well, that none of them would ever seek to leave that life. If they did, what we create would be considered as "home" and be the safe place they always have to turn to. I have never turned from helping people in need, and right now we all need each other, even if I am the only one who sees it all so clearly.

DreaManda

I just awoke from a really erotic dream. I was with Amanda again. Most of my sexual dreams have either her, Judy, Sarah, them in different combinations, and sometimes there are flashes of lovers past, but not normally. This one was surrounding being with Amanda. We hooked up and went to listen to a band, and we walked and danced, and afterwards we went to the beach. I ate her for what seemed like hours until she gushed all over my face, then I entered her and made her cum again and again, and I was slow, very slow, tender.... we melted into each other and I gave her multiples, and then she made me stop because she was getting too sensitive and she started on me, and we made love for hours.
She looked so beautiful under the night sky, and our kisses were soft and intense, and it was so vivid and real, more like a memory than a dream. I woke up hard and I could still see her in my mind, like the dream just kept on in my imagination. I couldn't fall back to sleep until I jerked off to the thought of her, and then we were having breakfast at a diner, and she couldn't stop smiling. I remember coming home and we kept it secret, but I couldn't get her scent out of my mind. I had a dream this vivid about Sarah and two weeks later we made love. It was just as nice, but honestly, Amanda was better so far dreamwise. I;ll lay odds we just fit perfecty. I know it.
I know that I am in love with her as much as I love my wife, or Sarah, or any other past true love, and I can feel that we need each other. I think my age and being not the think I once was may be something she considers, and also that we are friends and I am a little bit old for her, but the age seems to vanish, and would vanish if or when we get together. I know what fits and what does not. She fits me, but is different than Sarah or Judy in that we can have a real and deep and abiding friendship and be true love fuckbuddy friends, and once she finds it in her to open up completely to me we have it in us to be best friends for a lifetime. There is something there that tells me we need to be close because we are the type that could never pull punches with each other and have the real concern for each other that most people never know.
All she has know has been selfish guys, or pretty-boys or lovers so screwed up that they never reach the level of giving she needs, and she is like me and needs and craves to be held at night, to feel the warmth and love of a lover in her arms as she sleeps. If we have that for an hour it would have more value and linger longer than a month in bed with someone, or just about anyone else.
I want her to feel me throbbing inside of her, have her taste a little of her own juices as I cum in her mouth then kiss her with her juices all over my face and beard, sucking up each other's juices until the mix makes a sweet flavor that creates a memory that will never fade.
I can taste her, know what she will feel like, and hope she will always be in my life in some way, shape, or form. I want to be her lover forever, no matter who we are with or what happens, I hope we learn to make love and touch and never relinquish that. I hope one day that it can be in the open, and that I can be part of her life and the one she runs to when her world crashes in. I hope whenever I am weak that she will renew me. She has the capacity to love deeper and be more real than almost anyone I know, and my love can give her strength to find direction. I would love to be that steady rock for her to anchor to.
How do I convince her to be my lover/companion/friend? I want everything without any kind of distraction of escape, but to be eyes wide open. I have had dreams like this before, but this one was so intense and real.... I hope this dream comes true.

John came over, and something was weird. Seems he stole from Amanda. The one person out of the bunch who is the least selfish most kind and caring and he violates. Amanda still is hung up on Josh but seems to be getting stronger.
Sarah left Chris for a few days, but stole more pills and my wallet is missing. She is fucked up from years of living with Chris and being subjected to her mother-in-law. But she hurt us by that crap. She is addicted as well, so I understand. Her guilt will punish her, because under it all she has a great heart.
I saw Amanda and she looks just so sexy now. She is 18 with most of the adult mindset of a 40 year old educated woman. I remember my dream and she had that same figure when we made love. I remember the dream, and I was eating her and her belly was about that big. Man that is a strange memory/flash/dejavu thing!
And Sarah and I finally did, down in OP. She was helping me paint Carmello's mom's house. I got her off really, really well, and she gives great head. She has a really small clit, but not a problem. I did my little trick of moving the foreskin around it down, and she hit the roof! I am her third guy, and the first she said didn't count because she started and stopped before either one of them came. She was just worried how it would effect Judy, but it is our little secret, and we both had just a moment of decent lovemaking without conditions or bags with someone who appreciates and loves us.
Yes, it would work and work well, because it makes me want my wife more and able to deal with the shit I endure with her. Her out of pills again. I control them now, period.
I don't want the job, but not doing it is too risky and just not worth it.
Amanda is back home, which is best at the moment for her unless she moves in here. It all needs to fall together the way I say in these two journals. I was smart to keep Amanda parts out of the other journal to the extent they are remembered here. They are distinct and unique anyway. I let Judy in on the other one, because total honesty in that degree means I am being more loyal than if I was out fucking everything that moved or came my way. Believe it or not but I get offers all the time. I just am highly selective to a degree, I don't want just sex, and with any one of these three it could never be "just sex". The emotional connection and companionship is what I crave out of each of them the most. Sex is just a deep expression of that.
And the other journal has the deepest secrets I am willing to share and might, but this one has almost the fullest extent. There are some thoughts I'd never write down in order to remember and catolog and sort out. These journals have allowed me the ability to reflect and figure out what it is I love and want and why. If I include how I feel about Amanda in that journal and ever share that with Sarah she might not understand why I feel about Amanda like I do, and think it is just lust or something. It is hard enough for most people to understand how you can love two women at once, let alone three. But I love the women I loved in the past just as much, and it is only time and circumstance that keeps that from being.
I think my views are a lot like what has come before in some very peaceful cultures, but humans want to own everything, including each other. Love should be the highest form and expression of freedom, and sex or romance in addition to even a committed relationship doesn't mean that you don't love your mate. It can enhance and heal and make you a better person for the person you choose as your primary mate. If you have nothing unfulfilled, you can give all of yourself honestly with nothing held back, and having a few private experiences just for yourself is something that should be more than allowed, it should be encouraged.
Everyone says if you love something set it free and it will return, but when you try to live that way you get attacked for it. It makes no sense.
I still have a fire for my wife, and when I don't get what I need from her I get frustrated and angry, so if someone else gives that to me when she can't or won't, then I will be at peace and strong enough to give her my best, which would make the relationship better and the bad parts easier to get through. I never want to be so hungry that I eat dirt, and I don't want to be a glutton either. I want to be well nourished and content, so I am happy and can give all of my best and love without any reservations...
I think that makes really good sense.

I was just outside of the restaurant with Amanda there, and this African guy was there. He was a decent dude, and he assumed Amanda and I were a couple. I asked him why he though that and he said that we had one spirit. " Yooou ave uone spir-it. You loook like you be-long to eatch ouether." (I love that African accent) Then he complemented Amanda again on her baby and when he left gave Amanda $5 for the baby. He had some well grounded political views.
It does feel natural being around her, and it put me in a better mood all night.
I minded the girls today when Sarah and Judy went to the store, and had three girls and two dogs on top of me as I read some of Alex's old children's books to them.
I am meant to take care of women and be a father to kids.... I think I love the aspect and chance of being a father and father figure more than the desire for potential sexual benefits. I think that is a better reward anyway.
I can wack my own winkie if i have to, but nothing strokes my ego and makes me feel so good as having kids think I am a giant playground and hearing them laugh as kids should laugh. There is more than enough love inside of me to give all I am to any and all of these women and all the kids, and still have vast reserves. And with the love I get from them making me stronger, it would just blow their minds.
It is just as unexpected to me that I would feel so strongly about this being the best and right path, but I can debate well and be self-critical, and am a problem solver so much that this is it. This is how I must be to be happy and when I am happy and content I can give more than any man ever.
I have my own addiction... to being loving and romantic and caring and moral and decent and good as a human being. So what if the world think polagamy is weird or wrong. There are times when the weirdest thing is the most normal and right. This is that time.

Sarah and the kids were over and she and Judy went to the store. I made dinner for them and had dinner ready when they came back, and had the girls watching a Disney movie, all climbing all over me. when it went off I read them another children's book, and did their ABC's. I love just doing that daddy type thing. I'm proud to be really good at it.
Amanda came over later and we burned one. She gets depressed over being alone, and I worry about her. The chemistry that can be between us could be so intense and rewarding despite everything. If things were such that I could give her what I am able to give she would just get intoxicated with love and happiness and forget about asshole Josh and feeling alone. She'd be able to give me what I need as well, and while I am always thinking about sex with her, it is what goes with sex, like tenderness and intimacy, that would be the real reward. Sex gets you basic satisfaction and release, but the tenderness you share with each other afterwards is the real pearl in the oyster.
I think Amanda may have had glimpses of that, but it would be the standard, and I would probably ruin her for other men. She'd just fit too well... Sarah fits the same way, but that is a different set of dynamics.
I love lovemaking, and can tell in a heartbeat what chemistry would be there. Even though I could have great sex with many women, the motivation is again the tenderness that precedes and follows it. The connection can enrich the whole being, spirit and soul. I'd love being with Amanda or Sarah even just a while, and wouldn't be jealous anywhere else they laid their head, because they would have that part of me with them that would make them stronger and happier and so would I. It makes us stronger when we can carry the love from lovemaking with us.
The other thing that makes me so different is that I really am not jealous. I could make love to a woman I care so deeply about and have them discuss relationships and sex with their other love interests as a friend, because they become part of me and it is their happiness that is one of the most fulfilling things I seek and desire. If I can help them be happy then I share in that happiness. I hope they can feel that way with me as well. If they know they are part of me, my memories and life experience, then hopefully they will have a great satisfaction that part of them lives within me and is carried in a sacred, special place.
And no woman is a replacement for another ever. I don't and never have made love to one woman wishing it was another. I might flash a fantasy of them there with someone else, but they keep that individually. I know my views are really unique and different, but they are so much more healthy than most people. There is just so much insecurity and possessiveness that it makes me sick. Even if those feelings arise, they take a backseat to the desire for tenderness and the concern for the best of the ones I love. I don't want to own any woman, but want them to give part of themselves to me freely to carry and cherish. That is the highest ideal of love anyway. True love lives in total freedom.
Who knows what the future holds, but I do know that whatever comes that love shared makes those that share it better off in the long run. I just hope that love does get shared on that level, because more than anything I'd like to be one of the best memories they carry their entire lives. To think of Sarah or Amanda being 80 and thinking back on their lives and feeling my love for them even then, and being one of their best memories, that would be worth so much more than that not being there. Besides, that love can maybe give them the strength to find something beautiful if, sadly, we ever lose touch and are not there. I know the memories I carry from years ago are still there making and keeping me safe, sane, and strong. I still remember the beauty of what I shared with Julie and Bethany and Lori. I talked to Julie a few years ago, and she told me that she looked back on what we had as one of the best times of her life, and Lori thanked me for teaching her how to love and why, and it was funny when she said there was quite a few guys that would thank me for teaching her the art or oral sex. She said I set the standard, and she spent a lifetime judging her lovers up against me. That was a great compliment.
If I was that good 25 years ago, it makes me wonder just how good I am now. I haven't allowed anyone as close as I'd let Amanda or Sarah right now, and they were begging me to leave my wife. I don't want that. I want to make it work, because there is so much invested there and how leaving would effect Alex, but Judy knows how I am and knew when she married me. I am the king of the mutual orgasm and she still cums right with me almost every time, and I am the king of the gushing woman, and it is an ego boost to make a 35 year old woman have her first gushing ejaculation, but that is something I don't want to be just sexual. I want it to be part of something more that incorporates love and companionship and friendship. That is why these two women are so attractive to me. They have an inner beauty in spades, and if my love makes them better then that is something beautiful I can create that is a kind of immortality. I guess I am a silly romantic....