Too much just doesn't change. Judy is always claiming a headache and stays on the damn couch. What she lacks is the drive to get up and do something, which would change so much and make everyone, mostly her, happier. Sarah still goes through her shit. She was over today, with an apathetic angry resigned depression that is her norm. Chris continues to take advantage of her, and everyone else over there beats her down, and she gets walked all over, and she also doesn't take the proactive affirmative action she needs to be happy.
I wind up on the shitty end as a result of the two of them, Judy in life as I live it and with Sarah what I want to add to it.
Maybe once I win one of these claims and can get back in the direction I want to go in and have money can I fix everything. I want life on my terms, but that also means I want to have these two women I love fixed and happy and working to make a wonderful life for each other, me, but mostly themselves, which would do the number one job for me, which is make a wonderful life for the kids. But that's the pipe dream, and the reality is different. The primary dream is to get Judy healthy and expressing love and desire, and then cutting loose with her.
If we all just said the hell with it and Sarah came to us and Judy and I and she had one big bed and one big love we could all have one wonderful life together.
It could, and would, start working now if we chose for it to, but I'm not the thing holding us back.
Judy is right, Sarah is here more when she needs something, but I know why to a degree. Life for her is complicated and depressing, and she withdraws, and acts from a desperate position, which is what fucks things up for her, and she tries to make something work that shouldn't even exist. Chris is just no good, no matter what line of shit he tells her or even his intentions. His actions speak otherwise. His actions step on her and their kids, and he just doesn't deserve them, and is bound to damage them in the long run.
And Judy, she fights to claim her ills and couch like it is a disease to work. There is no real drive there, and it steals the sunshine from life. She will wallow in filth, then expect others to clean her mess, take care of her responsibility.
That sucks.
Judy has no humility, and Sarah too much, and those critical aspects would balance if they were more together or under one roof. They would fix each other in ways no one else can, and once that starts, if my love is allowed to flow freely to both and we share each other honestly and completely, there would be such a beauty to life that the little shit that is wrong would vanish and the big shit that is wrong would become little.
If I could, and had no conscience, I would just leave, start over, and do well. Away from these ills I'd shine, just like I did before Judy and when she and I were apart. But I have a responsibility, it is mostly to Alex. I'd have no problem extending that promise to Sarah's kids either. But I need help, and just don't have it in me to do all the work alone anymore. It makes me resentful. I don't start most of the fights either, I react to and reject being abused and stepped on. sadly, Judy is just too blind to see it, or accept responsibility. But if Sarah, who sees some of that, stepped in, and was honest in brutal fashion, Judy would have no choice anymore. In the same way what is wrong with both Sarah and I would get fixed by the same reasoning and effects.
If they gave me that life I seek, and their love, and started to fix themselves, they'd have freedom in my love, which would be their slave. I wonder how they would both react sharing a man so devoted to them.
But now, when I have the means and Sarah comes face to face with an option for security that Chris will never provide, and Judy has to face that I am fed up and just won't sit back denied any more, I wonder what that will bring.
We need this change. I doubt it will come though. Eventually Judy will either get well or kill herself. She never listens to me though. I'm right about so much, and so what if I want what I want, that is my right. I have to be silent and hide how I feel and that is wrong.