Sarah and the kids were over and she and Judy went to the store. I made dinner for them and had dinner ready when they came back, and had the girls watching a Disney movie, all climbing all over me. when it went off I read them another children's book, and did their ABC's. I love just doing that daddy type thing. I'm proud to be really good at it.
Amanda came over later and we burned one. She gets depressed over being alone, and I worry about her. The chemistry that can be between us could be so intense and rewarding despite everything. If things were such that I could give her what I am able to give she would just get intoxicated with love and happiness and forget about asshole Josh and feeling alone. She'd be able to give me what I need as well, and while I am always thinking about sex with her, it is what goes with sex, like tenderness and intimacy, that would be the real reward. Sex gets you basic satisfaction and release, but the tenderness you share with each other afterwards is the real pearl in the oyster.
I think Amanda may have had glimpses of that, but it would be the standard, and I would probably ruin her for other men. She'd just fit too well... Sarah fits the same way, but that is a different set of dynamics.
I love lovemaking, and can tell in a heartbeat what chemistry would be there. Even though I could have great sex with many women, the motivation is again the tenderness that precedes and follows it. The connection can enrich the whole being, spirit and soul. I'd love being with Amanda or Sarah even just a while, and wouldn't be jealous anywhere else they laid their head, because they would have that part of me with them that would make them stronger and happier and so would I. It makes us stronger when we can carry the love from lovemaking with us.
The other thing that makes me so different is that I really am not jealous. I could make love to a woman I care so deeply about and have them discuss relationships and sex with their other love interests as a friend, because they become part of me and it is their happiness that is one of the most fulfilling things I seek and desire. If I can help them be happy then I share in that happiness. I hope they can feel that way with me as well. If they know they are part of me, my memories and life experience, then hopefully they will have a great satisfaction that part of them lives within me and is carried in a sacred, special place.
And no woman is a replacement for another ever. I don't and never have made love to one woman wishing it was another. I might flash a fantasy of them there with someone else, but they keep that individually. I know my views are really unique and different, but they are so much more healthy than most people. There is just so much insecurity and possessiveness that it makes me sick. Even if those feelings arise, they take a backseat to the desire for tenderness and the concern for the best of the ones I love. I don't want to own any woman, but want them to give part of themselves to me freely to carry and cherish. That is the highest ideal of love anyway. True love lives in total freedom.
Who knows what the future holds, but I do know that whatever comes that love shared makes those that share it better off in the long run. I just hope that love does get shared on that level, because more than anything I'd like to be one of the best memories they carry their entire lives. To think of Sarah or Amanda being 80 and thinking back on their lives and feeling my love for them even then, and being one of their best memories, that would be worth so much more than that not being there. Besides, that love can maybe give them the strength to find something beautiful if, sadly, we ever lose touch and are not there. I know the memories I carry from years ago are still there making and keeping me safe, sane, and strong. I still remember the beauty of what I shared with Julie and Bethany and Lori. I talked to Julie a few years ago, and she told me that she looked back on what we had as one of the best times of her life, and Lori thanked me for teaching her how to love and why, and it was funny when she said there was quite a few guys that would thank me for teaching her the art or oral sex. She said I set the standard, and she spent a lifetime judging her lovers up against me. That was a great compliment.
If I was that good 25 years ago, it makes me wonder just how good I am now. I haven't allowed anyone as close as I'd let Amanda or Sarah right now, and they were begging me to leave my wife. I don't want that. I want to make it work, because there is so much invested there and how leaving would effect Alex, but Judy knows how I am and knew when she married me. I am the king of the mutual orgasm and she still cums right with me almost every time, and I am the king of the gushing woman, and it is an ego boost to make a 35 year old woman have her first gushing ejaculation, but that is something I don't want to be just sexual. I want it to be part of something more that incorporates love and companionship and friendship. That is why these two women are so attractive to me. They have an inner beauty in spades, and if my love makes them better then that is something beautiful I can create that is a kind of immortality. I guess I am a silly romantic....