A month later and most of my opinions are the same.... I can see what can and should be and live with what is, and it just seems so stupid. I know that part of it is my youth, even at my age I am younger in many ways than many others.
I'm really sick of the life I'm living, but it could be worse, and why I feel so bad sometimes is because I can recognize what it different in me, know I'm not substandard.
At least I'm getting my back yard back a little, planted grass and a garden....
Sarah still has drama with Chris, and Judy and her need to be together under one roof. Amanda is in turmoil over Josh, and I am so in love with her I just want to steal her away and would run away with her in a heartbeat if it wasn't for Alex. I could. I could just just jump into it with her and know it would work, and she would be so worth it. her self-esteem is low, just like Sarah. They both revolve around men who are bad for them. Judy is my Chris/Josh in a way.
She just has better intentions and really does care, just is too fucked up to fix herself and you can't fix someone until they want to, and only then can you help them fix themselves.
Look at nature, the best male takes charge of the females, and they in their best interests take care of him. Even in other primates this is the case. Nature designed things that way for a reason.
Sarah and I have discussed it all and she would be sleeping with me if Judy accepted it, and she would be with both of us, and man that would be good.
Amanda only knows I want her, maybe not how much I love her and what I see. But that would be too complicated to bring under one roof like Sarah would because of the friendship Judy and Sarah have. Amanda is my friend like they are friends, only we don't have lives that allow us the time together, but if we were going out places together man it would be all over. It would be like a big love and friendship adventure. We would be complete companions.
Three wives on a farm? Nice dream, but that would be unrealistic. So reality keeps me forced to accept one thing and not another, but once I get a farm if Amanda did move in that would evolve as well, because she has the personality that is designed to be fair, kind, loving, honest, giving, warm, and free.
I told a friend about ALL of this, and she's 70, Barbra, my client/friend in Riverside, and even talked to Betty, a 60+ black woman who is a friend/client, and even Carmello, and even my mom to a lesser extent. They see my point and say the same thing all. How would they all feel and react to each other(?). I thought about this. Sarah would be intends and grow and she and Judy would fix each other, and Amanda and I would be like a firestorm of companionship and friendship. I could see her going to a Unitarian church with me and listening to NPR and having great debates and discussions on world politics and other stuff, and her actually working on activism with me.
She is not a child. At the old house in Marietta she was the most adult, but hanging around people beneath her, and she has sense, but lets those substandard "friends" draw her into drama and webs of lies and she gets hurt. I would be the safest man she could ever be with. She would have what she was looking for and would be happy enough to relax about so much. She has so much to offer if she could ever find a man to bring it out in her, and he would be rewarded like hitting the lottery.
Sarah would as well, but she and Judy need to expand their friendship with a relationship for me in there as well. Amanda would be more my friend before them, although that would come with time, because she just fits so well.
If I could have them in that place and asked them to live it my way for a week they would never give it up. Any doubts or old "traditional" ways of looking at things would vanish.
And in business as well. I could see Amanda and I working together at anything and doing well as partners. I'd love to own another restaurant. She would be the bomb. Sarah might could as well, but Judy not so much. Sarah needs her own beauty salon, Judy a gift, craft, and candle shop, Amanda a restaurant, and me my miniature golf/arcade/ice cream parlor. Sounds like a mini-mall of love.