Judy has been easier to deal with and a bit more sex lately. The other night we actually made it to a whole half hour (oooh weeiiiiiii), and I laid her our with some intensity and she acted like she really wanted to keep up. She's functioning an far less pills than normal, but I can't trust her with more than a day's worth at a time because she'll overuse and beg for more. Sarah is functioning, barely, and yesterday Cricket's brother Danny and his stripper piece of shit girlfriend Jessica stole her puppy, a female blue pit who was smart and sweet. Chris has the police after him for stealing manhole covers and selling them for scrap so I know he didn't want the cops around, even for a police report over the dog, and Sarah is afraid of DCF because Danny threatened to call in so many words if she didn't forget it, so she rolled over. Judy and I think in some sick way she like playing the victim, but it is her and the girls that always lose like that. Her husband is pure nasty shit, and she doesn't want to "take the girls away from their daddy"... but he is the furthest thing from a daddy or father to any of them. If anything, they will grow up to think that abusive men are normal or wind up lesbian because they hate men.
Judy understands that is one of the many reasons I want what I want, why it makes sense. Sarah away from Chris and Jacksonville would shine, but until she gets up the courage to make any real change she will suffer and be unhappy and those girls will be in at risk situations. Even if a man has a magic dick, without being a decent guy with a heart it don't mean shit. Sex might last a few years, and love a few more, but it takes real companionship and friendship to last a lifetime, and Chris will never be that for her. It took years for Judy and I to get that real partnership thing back, and we're still working on it. If Sarah was with us that whole drama wouldn't have a premise, and the day instead would have been us all going someplace as a family doing stuff together. Love flows between us all, any of us, when we all are together, so nothing I say can be disputed about the reasons why I feel like I do, and Judy doesn't realize it is understanding and accepting how I love Sarah as well that has made me have a second wind in our relationship and be willing to try to be romantic again and be accepting of the bullshit I have to deal with. Sarah just needs to come clean with how she feels about me with her, and in part how she feels about where she and Judy are concerned. I know Sarah has a bi side, and I don't think she's interested in going lezzy on Judy, but all of us in one bed is something that interests her I think, and an open romance between us all with one big bed to share would be what I want, because I think we all would be happier and more complete if that kids of relationship is what we all lived in.
Things like shit vanishing, fights, all the bullshit, everything those girls hear and get exposed to, all need to stop. The other reason is that drama makes it this way to our house, and it effects Sarah and the girls and it bothers Judy and I, and we don't want to see it and it draws us into the drama, because we are one of her only safe places left. Chris came over for her and gave a loud pound on the door and was an asshole to her, and should have been her ally comforting her. I want to put his lights out so bad, but that would make things worse for Sarah right now. But whatever is going to be will be, and expressing how I feel has made how I love Judy better, so it is a safe assumption that actually openly expressing it, and all of us together showing nothing but love and concern for each other would be healthy all the way around. Love has a way of bringing out the best in people and making them stronger and happier, and that is the real gem in what I want and why I want it.
Kenny has added some drama elsewhere, supposedly openly telling some people a friend of mine sells pot, and if any of it is true Kenny needs to keep his mouth shut. I think he talks just to talk and is insecure. Stories change sometimes...and there's always a story. But he doesn't need to embellish anything. I just think there's a lot of insecurity, and can't imagine how hard it was for him to grow up gay on the westside, especially a few years back. These insecure ignorant Bible thumping hicks are mean and stupid and selfish, and I have never lived anywhere else where so many people have so much wrong and are so rotten to each other. I hate this part of the South. And yes, it will be different near Elizabeth City. I may run into people of strong right wing religion, but at least they are educated enough to be accepting to live and let live and judge others based on the character of a person.
I've got a feeling things will change soon and fast when they do. I want out of this house, and away from Jax, like yesterday. The amount of scummy people here amazes me and I just don't want to be around it anymore.