Night is Quiet, Thoughts are Loud

Why so much has to be a war I'll never know. I was always the most lighthearted and easygoing person I ever knew, yet everything seems like a burden. This is NOT natural for me, I am so out of my element. It's amazing I can even function, like a fish out of water, swimming magically through the air. That's it, Skot the flying fish!
I have to control Judy's meds, and Sarah has either been sick because her supply has dried up some (none to bum, none to pilfer) because they stay in my pocket. I feel for her........ I love her, but I can't let that be a factor because she doesn't need to walk down the path I'm fighting to get Judy off of. EVERYONE I know, almost, has some sort of problem or dependence on some sort of drug or escape. I am not used to this, still, and it simply dumbfounds me to no end how so many people can have so many problems. Life is so much of a lighter thing to me.
My ideas on love and relationships and sex are way different than the general accepted norm, but look at how dysfunctional everyone I know with those standards is/are! I hate and don't allow drama, and sadly my wife is lazy and disguises it and tries for sympathy because of her aches and pains.... like I don't have any. I work through mine. That is something that is a character trait that was much more popular in the WWII generation, my mom and dad's generation, than mine, or more so the generation coming up now. No one takes responsibility anymore it seems, and that is so sad.
That is why making a move is so critical. I am losing Alex because of his mother and this environment. It will take making that move and change. And my views on more than one lover are very sound given the circumstances and the nature of my being. If age wasn't a factor at all, I'd scarp up Amanda in a heartbeat because she at least has a strong work ethic and with the right old man would be simply amazing. Sarah has been fucked up to a degree by being trapped with Chris and having kids so young and her circumstances, and Judy simply has become too lazy about things and critical about others.
But I think I can make an environment that can fix them. Amanda doesn't need that much work, she just need someone who can reflect and return what she is able and willing and wants to give. But she needs someone of character, and despite the age thing, I fit that. besides, if I ever got her to go to a club with me she'd be able to keep up if I started dancing..... and damn I miss that.
When people around you are fucked up and weak or depressed it rubs off, it is like they shit all over the lawn, and you wind up stepping in it. You wonder what the smell is, and have to live with it or stop and scrape it off.
It looks like these suits won't settle quickly as I'd like, but that doesn't phase me much. I do intent to win, and think I will easily.
I just have to hold all this bullshit together until it all comes round my way.
Amanda is like so ready to drop, and I'd like to be more involved in everything. At least she is getting over her asshole sperm donor.
Sarah is like frantic about finding pills but maybe feels guilty about coming around to ask because of things gone missing. She also feels a little guilty about making love to me, but is in conflict because it was so great, and wants to again, but is just afraid Judy would find out because she doesn't want Judy to think she betrayed her, but as I told her when we did, what we had was between she and I, an escape for sanity's sake, a time to express love and passion without conditions or expectations, which is what a marriage should be every day. So she is torn, but she is torn by something that has to rank among the most romantic and passionate experiences of her life. Face it, a bath, wine, having her hair washed and rinsed with a crystal goblet, eaten into a frenzy, slowly and with passion, with breaks for soft kisses, and gentle massage, then to be cuddled and loved and the way it all went down, it was what we both wanted and one of those moments you'd want to last much longer than it did.
But lovemaking is like that to me. I am quick to be attracted, choosy to like, easy to love and slow to act upon it, and quick to eliminate those who don't have character or warmth. There has to be some really good qualities for me to stick dick, even hold a conversation for that matter. If they can't be a friend and companion I don't want them as a lover. It makes love to thin to be worth anything if you do. Some casual sex is okay, but there has to be something there as well. I won't share a drop of sweat or sperm with someone who sucks as a human being, period.
But I know love I didn't expect has appeared where I didn't want or expect it to, and I am honest and in touch with myself enough to recognize and acknowledge it.
I am also not one to throw someone away just because they have changed and slipped a little. I made a vow to Judy and still take it seriously. I never promised to love only her, it was never a vow. My vow was to love her through all the changes that may come, and work to make things work, and that is what I am still doing. I think these wild views make me healthier and more sound. I am solid if anything else, and am not easily shaken.
Resigned to reality and resolved to make it all better if I can. You can't ask for anything more than that.