I asked Sarah earlier to tell me to my face that she didn't love me, and she couldn't do it, or if she regretted making love to me, and she couldn't, or that she doesn't want to make love to me again, or want me, and she won't. I can tell she is in love with me but she is afraid she'd hurt her friendship with Judy, and I think she needs to come clean about how she feels (not what we did and how great it was). If she told Judy how she feels about me and that she wants to share me and even that she has some attractions to Judy and would like to join us, I know Judy would accept it because she understands that about Sarah, and Judy thinks Sarah's main attraction is to her, that Sarah wants to sleep with her. Sarah want to be involved with us both, and would be with me if Judy and I weren't together, but since we are married she doesn't want to do anything to hurt our marriage and want it to be better. I want it to be better, and think if Sarah was part of our marriage it would be.
I know she doesn't like her Chris much anymore, thinks he's an asshole, and feels stuck because she has four girls and no means of escape. I think if Judy and I had a place that the girls could be with her with us that she'd jump on it in a heartbeat. I have had decent sex with her, because I was sick and she was zoned when we did, and it was still amazing, and I think that if I could have be intimate with them both without jealousy that these two beautiful and amazing women would shine. We all need friends and loves and companions and allies, and that's what we are to a degree now, but together we can make sure each other does better, so the matrix of it would just work. Besides, I think if I was the object of their love and sexual release that all of us would have more desire and reward and happiness. I can still taste Sarah like I can remember and taste the flavor of my wife. And I want, even more than the sex, to be naked with both of them curled up to me sleeping.
Sarah knows I love her, and she knows that she loves me, and knows I know that as well. Judy knows I love her still after all these years, and sleeping with Sarah and loving her reinforces and reminds me why I love my wife and why I stay through everything when I could be a bastard and take an easier path. Judy knows I love Sarah, but think Sarah loves but is not in love with me, and that is what Sarah needs to fess up to, and Sarah loves Judy, more as a friend, but if I was there would be quick to join us. It starts with Sarah admitting how she feels without admitting what we have already shared. She could tell her that she was interested in being with another man but wanted someone safe and someone she cares about but who won't be a problem or want commitments, and that she feels like I deserve that from them both, and Judy would surprise her, because she won't throw away the friendship over it, in fact, it would give them something else in common to share. And, honestly, if I have them both sharing me they can go play however and whenever they want, as long as I am never denied more than one day.
But that is twisted little me.....
But what to do.