Judy has been easier to deal with and a bit more sex lately. The other night we actually made it to a whole half hour (oooh weeiiiiiii), and I laid her our with some intensity and she acted like she really wanted to keep up. She's functioning an far less pills than normal, but I can't trust her with more than a day's worth at a time because she'll overuse and beg for more. Sarah is functioning, barely, and yesterday Cricket's brother Danny and his stripper piece of shit girlfriend Jessica stole her puppy, a female blue pit who was smart and sweet. Chris has the police after him for stealing manhole covers and selling them for scrap so I know he didn't want the cops around, even for a police report over the dog, and Sarah is afraid of DCF because Danny threatened to call in so many words if she didn't forget it, so she rolled over. Judy and I think in some sick way she like playing the victim, but it is her and the girls that always lose like that. Her husband is pure nasty shit, and she doesn't want to "take the girls away from their daddy"... but he is the furthest thing from a daddy or father to any of them. If anything, they will grow up to think that abusive men are normal or wind up lesbian because they hate men.
Judy understands that is one of the many reasons I want what I want, why it makes sense. Sarah away from Chris and Jacksonville would shine, but until she gets up the courage to make any real change she will suffer and be unhappy and those girls will be in at risk situations. Even if a man has a magic dick, without being a decent guy with a heart it don't mean shit. Sex might last a few years, and love a few more, but it takes real companionship and friendship to last a lifetime, and Chris will never be that for her. It took years for Judy and I to get that real partnership thing back, and we're still working on it. If Sarah was with us that whole drama wouldn't have a premise, and the day instead would have been us all going someplace as a family doing stuff together. Love flows between us all, any of us, when we all are together, so nothing I say can be disputed about the reasons why I feel like I do, and Judy doesn't realize it is understanding and accepting how I love Sarah as well that has made me have a second wind in our relationship and be willing to try to be romantic again and be accepting of the bullshit I have to deal with. Sarah just needs to come clean with how she feels about me with her, and in part how she feels about where she and Judy are concerned. I know Sarah has a bi side, and I don't think she's interested in going lezzy on Judy, but all of us in one bed is something that interests her I think, and an open romance between us all with one big bed to share would be what I want, because I think we all would be happier and more complete if that kids of relationship is what we all lived in.
Things like shit vanishing, fights, all the bullshit, everything those girls hear and get exposed to, all need to stop. The other reason is that drama makes it this way to our house, and it effects Sarah and the girls and it bothers Judy and I, and we don't want to see it and it draws us into the drama, because we are one of her only safe places left. Chris came over for her and gave a loud pound on the door and was an asshole to her, and should have been her ally comforting her. I want to put his lights out so bad, but that would make things worse for Sarah right now. But whatever is going to be will be, and expressing how I feel has made how I love Judy better, so it is a safe assumption that actually openly expressing it, and all of us together showing nothing but love and concern for each other would be healthy all the way around. Love has a way of bringing out the best in people and making them stronger and happier, and that is the real gem in what I want and why I want it.
Kenny has added some drama elsewhere, supposedly openly telling some people a friend of mine sells pot, and if any of it is true Kenny needs to keep his mouth shut. I think he talks just to talk and is insecure. Stories change sometimes...and there's always a story. But he doesn't need to embellish anything. I just think there's a lot of insecurity, and can't imagine how hard it was for him to grow up gay on the westside, especially a few years back. These insecure ignorant Bible thumping hicks are mean and stupid and selfish, and I have never lived anywhere else where so many people have so much wrong and are so rotten to each other. I hate this part of the South. And yes, it will be different near Elizabeth City. I may run into people of strong right wing religion, but at least they are educated enough to be accepting to live and let live and judge others based on the character of a person.
I've got a feeling things will change soon and fast when they do. I want out of this house, and away from Jax, like yesterday. The amount of scummy people here amazes me and I just don't want to be around it anymore.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Night is Quiet, Thoughts are Loud
Why so much has to be a war I'll never know. I was always the most lighthearted and easygoing person I ever knew, yet everything seems like a burden. This is NOT natural for me, I am so out of my element. It's amazing I can even function, like a fish out of water, swimming magically through the air. That's it, Skot the flying fish!
I have to control Judy's meds, and Sarah has either been sick because her supply has dried up some (none to bum, none to pilfer) because they stay in my pocket. I feel for her........ I love her, but I can't let that be a factor because she doesn't need to walk down the path I'm fighting to get Judy off of. EVERYONE I know, almost, has some sort of problem or dependence on some sort of drug or escape. I am not used to this, still, and it simply dumbfounds me to no end how so many people can have so many problems. Life is so much of a lighter thing to me.
My ideas on love and relationships and sex are way different than the general accepted norm, but look at how dysfunctional everyone I know with those standards is/are! I hate and don't allow drama, and sadly my wife is lazy and disguises it and tries for sympathy because of her aches and pains.... like I don't have any. I work through mine. That is something that is a character trait that was much more popular in the WWII generation, my mom and dad's generation, than mine, or more so the generation coming up now. No one takes responsibility anymore it seems, and that is so sad.
That is why making a move is so critical. I am losing Alex because of his mother and this environment. It will take making that move and change. And my views on more than one lover are very sound given the circumstances and the nature of my being. If age wasn't a factor at all, I'd scarp up Amanda in a heartbeat because she at least has a strong work ethic and with the right old man would be simply amazing. Sarah has been fucked up to a degree by being trapped with Chris and having kids so young and her circumstances, and Judy simply has become too lazy about things and critical about others.
But I think I can make an environment that can fix them. Amanda doesn't need that much work, she just need someone who can reflect and return what she is able and willing and wants to give. But she needs someone of character, and despite the age thing, I fit that. besides, if I ever got her to go to a club with me she'd be able to keep up if I started dancing..... and damn I miss that.
When people around you are fucked up and weak or depressed it rubs off, it is like they shit all over the lawn, and you wind up stepping in it. You wonder what the smell is, and have to live with it or stop and scrape it off.
It looks like these suits won't settle quickly as I'd like, but that doesn't phase me much. I do intent to win, and think I will easily.
I just have to hold all this bullshit together until it all comes round my way.
Amanda is like so ready to drop, and I'd like to be more involved in everything. At least she is getting over her asshole sperm donor.
Sarah is like frantic about finding pills but maybe feels guilty about coming around to ask because of things gone missing. She also feels a little guilty about making love to me, but is in conflict because it was so great, and wants to again, but is just afraid Judy would find out because she doesn't want Judy to think she betrayed her, but as I told her when we did, what we had was between she and I, an escape for sanity's sake, a time to express love and passion without conditions or expectations, which is what a marriage should be every day. So she is torn, but she is torn by something that has to rank among the most romantic and passionate experiences of her life. Face it, a bath, wine, having her hair washed and rinsed with a crystal goblet, eaten into a frenzy, slowly and with passion, with breaks for soft kisses, and gentle massage, then to be cuddled and loved and the way it all went down, it was what we both wanted and one of those moments you'd want to last much longer than it did.
But lovemaking is like that to me. I am quick to be attracted, choosy to like, easy to love and slow to act upon it, and quick to eliminate those who don't have character or warmth. There has to be some really good qualities for me to stick dick, even hold a conversation for that matter. If they can't be a friend and companion I don't want them as a lover. It makes love to thin to be worth anything if you do. Some casual sex is okay, but there has to be something there as well. I won't share a drop of sweat or sperm with someone who sucks as a human being, period.
But I know love I didn't expect has appeared where I didn't want or expect it to, and I am honest and in touch with myself enough to recognize and acknowledge it.
I am also not one to throw someone away just because they have changed and slipped a little. I made a vow to Judy and still take it seriously. I never promised to love only her, it was never a vow. My vow was to love her through all the changes that may come, and work to make things work, and that is what I am still doing. I think these wild views make me healthier and more sound. I am solid if anything else, and am not easily shaken.
Resigned to reality and resolved to make it all better if I can. You can't ask for anything more than that.
I have to control Judy's meds, and Sarah has either been sick because her supply has dried up some (none to bum, none to pilfer) because they stay in my pocket. I feel for her........ I love her, but I can't let that be a factor because she doesn't need to walk down the path I'm fighting to get Judy off of. EVERYONE I know, almost, has some sort of problem or dependence on some sort of drug or escape. I am not used to this, still, and it simply dumbfounds me to no end how so many people can have so many problems. Life is so much of a lighter thing to me.
My ideas on love and relationships and sex are way different than the general accepted norm, but look at how dysfunctional everyone I know with those standards is/are! I hate and don't allow drama, and sadly my wife is lazy and disguises it and tries for sympathy because of her aches and pains.... like I don't have any. I work through mine. That is something that is a character trait that was much more popular in the WWII generation, my mom and dad's generation, than mine, or more so the generation coming up now. No one takes responsibility anymore it seems, and that is so sad.
That is why making a move is so critical. I am losing Alex because of his mother and this environment. It will take making that move and change. And my views on more than one lover are very sound given the circumstances and the nature of my being. If age wasn't a factor at all, I'd scarp up Amanda in a heartbeat because she at least has a strong work ethic and with the right old man would be simply amazing. Sarah has been fucked up to a degree by being trapped with Chris and having kids so young and her circumstances, and Judy simply has become too lazy about things and critical about others.
But I think I can make an environment that can fix them. Amanda doesn't need that much work, she just need someone who can reflect and return what she is able and willing and wants to give. But she needs someone of character, and despite the age thing, I fit that. besides, if I ever got her to go to a club with me she'd be able to keep up if I started dancing..... and damn I miss that.
When people around you are fucked up and weak or depressed it rubs off, it is like they shit all over the lawn, and you wind up stepping in it. You wonder what the smell is, and have to live with it or stop and scrape it off.
It looks like these suits won't settle quickly as I'd like, but that doesn't phase me much. I do intent to win, and think I will easily.
I just have to hold all this bullshit together until it all comes round my way.
Amanda is like so ready to drop, and I'd like to be more involved in everything. At least she is getting over her asshole sperm donor.
Sarah is like frantic about finding pills but maybe feels guilty about coming around to ask because of things gone missing. She also feels a little guilty about making love to me, but is in conflict because it was so great, and wants to again, but is just afraid Judy would find out because she doesn't want Judy to think she betrayed her, but as I told her when we did, what we had was between she and I, an escape for sanity's sake, a time to express love and passion without conditions or expectations, which is what a marriage should be every day. So she is torn, but she is torn by something that has to rank among the most romantic and passionate experiences of her life. Face it, a bath, wine, having her hair washed and rinsed with a crystal goblet, eaten into a frenzy, slowly and with passion, with breaks for soft kisses, and gentle massage, then to be cuddled and loved and the way it all went down, it was what we both wanted and one of those moments you'd want to last much longer than it did.
But lovemaking is like that to me. I am quick to be attracted, choosy to like, easy to love and slow to act upon it, and quick to eliminate those who don't have character or warmth. There has to be some really good qualities for me to stick dick, even hold a conversation for that matter. If they can't be a friend and companion I don't want them as a lover. It makes love to thin to be worth anything if you do. Some casual sex is okay, but there has to be something there as well. I won't share a drop of sweat or sperm with someone who sucks as a human being, period.
But I know love I didn't expect has appeared where I didn't want or expect it to, and I am honest and in touch with myself enough to recognize and acknowledge it.
I am also not one to throw someone away just because they have changed and slipped a little. I made a vow to Judy and still take it seriously. I never promised to love only her, it was never a vow. My vow was to love her through all the changes that may come, and work to make things work, and that is what I am still doing. I think these wild views make me healthier and more sound. I am solid if anything else, and am not easily shaken.
Resigned to reality and resolved to make it all better if I can. You can't ask for anything more than that.
Friday, April 17, 2009
How Soon Is Now
On the other site I just posted, and here are the thoughts that I keep a little more private than private...
I had the flash of the song How Soon Is Now by the Cure.... and it says something about being denied love by a loved, which is like keeping water from the parched or air from the gasping......
That song makes me also remember alternative clubs, all of that that went with it, including many beautiful women who have a real alternative streak. That makes me think of Amanda, and why I associate that with her, well, maybe I see what is best out of those experiences in her for some reason.
I'd love to be me exactly as I was in age and everything when that song was brand new and run into Amanda as she is right now at a club. That would be a great starting point for both of us and it would be great... and at least I have that thought and kinda know what could/would unfold.
Funny thing is Amanda may be inexperienced and making those mistakes, but when that passes she doesn't seem like she will have many of the problems thatr Judy and Sarah share, like pill addictions and depressions. She might have problems with substances and depression a little now, and I hope, if nothing else, that I can help guide her to a self-assured state where she discovers her power and can control those deamons that we all are subject to.
Now Sarah, stealing from Judy and I, pills gone, my wallet gone. She would deny it, but what other explaination is there? Things are gone and there was no one else here. Like Judy said, I misplace my wallet so much that she maybe thought that would cover it vanishing, and she needed money and pills from money so she, and asshole Chris, wouldn't go through withdrawals.
She gets desperate, and uses junkie tools to justify pill crazy moves and problems just like Judy does. They BOTH need off of pills and to learn to stand down pain and problems on their own again, and everything I've said about how well they would function under one roof sharing first life, then me, then each other, is more than valid. It is fact, but takes courage to recognize truth, like the truth that they can't manage pills or meds or their lives without a gatekeeper to the pills, which falls to me, because I am not addicted to anything other than romance and sex. But I can, and do, walk away from sex offers, I just gravitate towards where romance and tenderness sources, but only when I know my feelings are real and have a reason to love that person.
I can fix so much if the path I see and explain is just started down. I don't want to carry anyone unless I have to. But that path I set out has healing resources along the way, and it just takes a leap of faith to trust someone else's judgement.
It takes a re-evaluation by them of their values and beliefs, so they have to have an open mind and be willing to try life a different way. I don't know if they have the will or courage to take those steps. For Judy it means opening up her bed and heart to share her man with another woman, for Sarah it means walking away from Chris and that bad environment her girls and her are subjected to, and for both it means kicking pills so much, and not allowing pill drama to effect them or the kids. For Amanda it means trying out life as I expressed and taking the chance on something different, and her's would be more of a leap of faith in a way because we don't have as much of a history, it is mostly my sense of knowing about what would work and how. But she needs people around her who would help with her baby girl, be there for her as real friends, and to have a lover whom she can trust not to neglict or abuse her love. She needs romance and tenderness and wants that "sleep and cuddle with" like I do, and we would have more of a sexual friendship with aspects of romance. The dynamics of each relationship are such that each woman fits a part of what I need to be happy, and I fit what they need the most, and they would own that part of me, and if they can accept that each of them has their own special place but know that they have a sacred part that they are best at and for with me, it honestly would work.
We all want security as well, and I believe so much in freedom and individual rights that if either Sarah or Amanda was part of what I am trying to make as a life and wanted to set off in a new direction, they would have a great launch pad. They would have a great base to return to when they are weak. It just takes a totally new approach to life, a new way of thinking for everyone except me, because I know what it is I'm talking of, and have seen it work, been part of it working.
Judy, my self-proclaimed hippie, who is all hippie except the free love part. If she is or becomes a real partner in this mindset she would benefit most of all. Nailing Sarah, sharing what we did how we did, it was refreshing so much that my overall attitude is so much better, and Judy has been much happier because I have been so, and been so much more giving of myself and understanding. If she knew why I am easier to deal with and have some of that spark back she might attack it and think of it as an attack on her.... but it makes me work, sets me at my best, and like tonight, when I want round two and get shut down, or want a middle of the night thing, and instead have to shake it away alone, well, that hurts her because it creates in me frustration and resentment because a wife should take care of her man and his needs, period, at least half of the time.
I would be happy with a 1/10th of the time!
I like crazy love, being in love so much that the other person is everything, and when two people are like that with each other, it is amazing. Now if parts of that get to run with two or three women, wow! And if they find love beyond me and want to have that as well, good for them. I will be there to set them on their way if they decide that is their path and pick them up if it goes bad and they are hurt. people should be that honest and free. That way, real commitments made on honest terms get made, and are much more likely to be kept. That is the real loyalty of love.
This is a lyrics night... I guess. This is a song by Alejandro Escovedo, Springsteen even did a cover of it...
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh
Every once in a while
Honey Let your love show
Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself show
Nobody gets hurt
No, no
Ooh, ooh
Nobody gets hurt
Well
We came here as two
We laid down as one
I don't care
If I'm not your only What I see in you
You see in me But if I be wrong
Smoke my smoke Drink my wine
Bury my snakeskin boots Somewhere I'll never find
Still be your lover baby
Oo, oo, oo
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh ooh
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh
Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself go
Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself show
Nobody gets hurt
No, no
Ooh ooh
Nobody gets hurt
Well I could be an astronaut On the wrong side of the moon
Or wrapped up like a baby On a bus under you
Wherever I go You go with me
But if I do you wrong Take the master suite
I'll take the floor Sleep in late
Get some rest I'll get mine
Still be Your lover baby
Oo, oo, oo
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Every once in a while Honey
Let your love show
Every once in a while
Honey let yourself Go
Nobody gets hurt
It's only love Love, love
Oo, oo, oo
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Ot has a great mindset. It say be happy for the love you are able to share, on whatever terms you can, and that I don't want to change or won you, just to share what we can...
I had the flash of the song How Soon Is Now by the Cure.... and it says something about being denied love by a loved, which is like keeping water from the parched or air from the gasping......
That song makes me also remember alternative clubs, all of that that went with it, including many beautiful women who have a real alternative streak. That makes me think of Amanda, and why I associate that with her, well, maybe I see what is best out of those experiences in her for some reason.
I'd love to be me exactly as I was in age and everything when that song was brand new and run into Amanda as she is right now at a club. That would be a great starting point for both of us and it would be great... and at least I have that thought and kinda know what could/would unfold.
Funny thing is Amanda may be inexperienced and making those mistakes, but when that passes she doesn't seem like she will have many of the problems thatr Judy and Sarah share, like pill addictions and depressions. She might have problems with substances and depression a little now, and I hope, if nothing else, that I can help guide her to a self-assured state where she discovers her power and can control those deamons that we all are subject to.
Now Sarah, stealing from Judy and I, pills gone, my wallet gone. She would deny it, but what other explaination is there? Things are gone and there was no one else here. Like Judy said, I misplace my wallet so much that she maybe thought that would cover it vanishing, and she needed money and pills from money so she, and asshole Chris, wouldn't go through withdrawals.
She gets desperate, and uses junkie tools to justify pill crazy moves and problems just like Judy does. They BOTH need off of pills and to learn to stand down pain and problems on their own again, and everything I've said about how well they would function under one roof sharing first life, then me, then each other, is more than valid. It is fact, but takes courage to recognize truth, like the truth that they can't manage pills or meds or their lives without a gatekeeper to the pills, which falls to me, because I am not addicted to anything other than romance and sex. But I can, and do, walk away from sex offers, I just gravitate towards where romance and tenderness sources, but only when I know my feelings are real and have a reason to love that person.
I can fix so much if the path I see and explain is just started down. I don't want to carry anyone unless I have to. But that path I set out has healing resources along the way, and it just takes a leap of faith to trust someone else's judgement.
It takes a re-evaluation by them of their values and beliefs, so they have to have an open mind and be willing to try life a different way. I don't know if they have the will or courage to take those steps. For Judy it means opening up her bed and heart to share her man with another woman, for Sarah it means walking away from Chris and that bad environment her girls and her are subjected to, and for both it means kicking pills so much, and not allowing pill drama to effect them or the kids. For Amanda it means trying out life as I expressed and taking the chance on something different, and her's would be more of a leap of faith in a way because we don't have as much of a history, it is mostly my sense of knowing about what would work and how. But she needs people around her who would help with her baby girl, be there for her as real friends, and to have a lover whom she can trust not to neglict or abuse her love. She needs romance and tenderness and wants that "sleep and cuddle with" like I do, and we would have more of a sexual friendship with aspects of romance. The dynamics of each relationship are such that each woman fits a part of what I need to be happy, and I fit what they need the most, and they would own that part of me, and if they can accept that each of them has their own special place but know that they have a sacred part that they are best at and for with me, it honestly would work.
We all want security as well, and I believe so much in freedom and individual rights that if either Sarah or Amanda was part of what I am trying to make as a life and wanted to set off in a new direction, they would have a great launch pad. They would have a great base to return to when they are weak. It just takes a totally new approach to life, a new way of thinking for everyone except me, because I know what it is I'm talking of, and have seen it work, been part of it working.
Judy, my self-proclaimed hippie, who is all hippie except the free love part. If she is or becomes a real partner in this mindset she would benefit most of all. Nailing Sarah, sharing what we did how we did, it was refreshing so much that my overall attitude is so much better, and Judy has been much happier because I have been so, and been so much more giving of myself and understanding. If she knew why I am easier to deal with and have some of that spark back she might attack it and think of it as an attack on her.... but it makes me work, sets me at my best, and like tonight, when I want round two and get shut down, or want a middle of the night thing, and instead have to shake it away alone, well, that hurts her because it creates in me frustration and resentment because a wife should take care of her man and his needs, period, at least half of the time.
I would be happy with a 1/10th of the time!
I like crazy love, being in love so much that the other person is everything, and when two people are like that with each other, it is amazing. Now if parts of that get to run with two or three women, wow! And if they find love beyond me and want to have that as well, good for them. I will be there to set them on their way if they decide that is their path and pick them up if it goes bad and they are hurt. people should be that honest and free. That way, real commitments made on honest terms get made, and are much more likely to be kept. That is the real loyalty of love.
This is a lyrics night... I guess. This is a song by Alejandro Escovedo, Springsteen even did a cover of it...
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh
Every once in a while
Honey Let your love show
Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself show
Nobody gets hurt
No, no
Ooh, ooh
Nobody gets hurt
Well
We came here as two
We laid down as one
I don't care
If I'm not your only What I see in you
You see in me But if I be wrong
Smoke my smoke Drink my wine
Bury my snakeskin boots Somewhere I'll never find
Still be your lover baby
Oo, oo, oo
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh ooh
Do you wanna Be my friend?
Ooh, ooh
Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself go
Every once in a while
Honey Let yourself show
Nobody gets hurt
No, no
Ooh ooh
Nobody gets hurt
Well I could be an astronaut On the wrong side of the moon
Or wrapped up like a baby On a bus under you
Wherever I go You go with me
But if I do you wrong Take the master suite
I'll take the floor Sleep in late
Get some rest I'll get mine
Still be Your lover baby
Oo, oo, oo
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Every once in a while Honey
Let your love show
Every once in a while
Honey let yourself Go
Nobody gets hurt
It's only love Love, love
Oo, oo, oo
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Wasn't I always A friend to you?
Ot has a great mindset. It say be happy for the love you are able to share, on whatever terms you can, and that I don't want to change or won you, just to share what we can...
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Passion Rules!
I just posted on the other site, but need also, so I can remember all the details, lay out what happened when Sarah and I made love.
We were down in Orange Park and she was painting with me. She was tired and I ran a bath for her and lit candles and all, and she got in, and once in I joined her, without any contesting. I washed her hair for a long time, and massaged her, and we caressed and kissed and spent time just looking at each other eye to eye. We spent a good 45 minuets with it all, and I barely touched her pussy or tits during all of this. I just let the tenderness and romantic love inside of me rule, and she ate it up.
Then we had sex on the new green couch. I lit candles in the garage where it was, and there was good music, and set up drinks and smokes, and when we hit the couch she tried to start right in, but I laid her back and started soft and romantic petting. gave her another massage, and let sex touches get more and more as part of it. Once the massage relaxed her back and got rid of knots, then I let the sexual aspects kick in. I slid my fingers inside of her and went for the G-spot ridges, and fluttered over her clit, and then out and to exploratove sexual massage, then back in, then entered her for just a few thrusts then exited and went down on her. I would stop when she would get on the quick climb to gasam, and eat around her pussy or hit the tits or ears and neck, then back down. When it was right I stayed down there for quite a while, fingers in then out, nipple strokes, then used tongue and lips to push down the skin over her clit and hit it head on and she responded so sweetly.
She has a small clit but to me it was easy to find. I saw this lovemaking with her in a dream not long back. She liked and asked for fingers in, so went to town, adding changes and not staying on one spot too long, changing speeds, then laid into it when she started cumming, then laid in harder so she had mini-multiples or one really long one. I'd slow up when she started begging for me to stop, then as she relaxed go faster and harder, and was locked in. She had a mini-gush. I could tell it wasn't a full one, and I respected stopping when and after she had so much that she was near spastic. Then I went inside of her and thrusted her a little one, going from slow friend to deep firm grind to fast thrust and back again. Then we cuddled and caressed for a while.
We fit so well, and she is so soft to be with, I like how I can grab the whole pussy in my palm. I love her taste as well. She IS a natural blond. We talked a little about how we like it, and she told me except for one guy before Chris that was in and out, and I mean just that, they stopped and didn't go through with it, and then with Chris, that I've been the only other man. I am number 2 or 3 depending on how you look at intercourse. She likes how I eat her better than Chris because I don't stay on one spot, and also said it was her first decent orgasm in a while.
Then she gave me head for a good 20 minuets. She is great at that.
We held each other and talked after that. I let her know this was our own secret place between us, and she begged me in the bath and while making love not to tell Judy. She didn't want to hurt her in any way. But while I never would, they all need to realize how it all is. I was renewed and loved without one single condition, and gave her that as well. This was our private time, and to make love to someone you know loves you without any resentments or conditions that is liberating for the soul. I have been much happier, and as I said I would feel and be, I have had it in me to be much better to Judy, like we used to be.
That has made our lovemaking better, me less resentful and feeling more free. It healed me, was good for her, and good for Judy as a result. Sarah now knows even when we both were sick that it was intense. ( I was sick with a chest something ) She has that memory of our private escape into each other. I think she carries some guilt from it, but that will pass and maybe she'll see exactly what I have described to her.
True lovemaking has a healing power that brings peace of mind that fucking could never. But when both are present, it is just simply amazing.....
We were down in Orange Park and she was painting with me. She was tired and I ran a bath for her and lit candles and all, and she got in, and once in I joined her, without any contesting. I washed her hair for a long time, and massaged her, and we caressed and kissed and spent time just looking at each other eye to eye. We spent a good 45 minuets with it all, and I barely touched her pussy or tits during all of this. I just let the tenderness and romantic love inside of me rule, and she ate it up.
Then we had sex on the new green couch. I lit candles in the garage where it was, and there was good music, and set up drinks and smokes, and when we hit the couch she tried to start right in, but I laid her back and started soft and romantic petting. gave her another massage, and let sex touches get more and more as part of it. Once the massage relaxed her back and got rid of knots, then I let the sexual aspects kick in. I slid my fingers inside of her and went for the G-spot ridges, and fluttered over her clit, and then out and to exploratove sexual massage, then back in, then entered her for just a few thrusts then exited and went down on her. I would stop when she would get on the quick climb to gasam, and eat around her pussy or hit the tits or ears and neck, then back down. When it was right I stayed down there for quite a while, fingers in then out, nipple strokes, then used tongue and lips to push down the skin over her clit and hit it head on and she responded so sweetly.
She has a small clit but to me it was easy to find. I saw this lovemaking with her in a dream not long back. She liked and asked for fingers in, so went to town, adding changes and not staying on one spot too long, changing speeds, then laid into it when she started cumming, then laid in harder so she had mini-multiples or one really long one. I'd slow up when she started begging for me to stop, then as she relaxed go faster and harder, and was locked in. She had a mini-gush. I could tell it wasn't a full one, and I respected stopping when and after she had so much that she was near spastic. Then I went inside of her and thrusted her a little one, going from slow friend to deep firm grind to fast thrust and back again. Then we cuddled and caressed for a while.
We fit so well, and she is so soft to be with, I like how I can grab the whole pussy in my palm. I love her taste as well. She IS a natural blond. We talked a little about how we like it, and she told me except for one guy before Chris that was in and out, and I mean just that, they stopped and didn't go through with it, and then with Chris, that I've been the only other man. I am number 2 or 3 depending on how you look at intercourse. She likes how I eat her better than Chris because I don't stay on one spot, and also said it was her first decent orgasm in a while.
Then she gave me head for a good 20 minuets. She is great at that.
We held each other and talked after that. I let her know this was our own secret place between us, and she begged me in the bath and while making love not to tell Judy. She didn't want to hurt her in any way. But while I never would, they all need to realize how it all is. I was renewed and loved without one single condition, and gave her that as well. This was our private time, and to make love to someone you know loves you without any resentments or conditions that is liberating for the soul. I have been much happier, and as I said I would feel and be, I have had it in me to be much better to Judy, like we used to be.
That has made our lovemaking better, me less resentful and feeling more free. It healed me, was good for her, and good for Judy as a result. Sarah now knows even when we both were sick that it was intense. ( I was sick with a chest something ) She has that memory of our private escape into each other. I think she carries some guilt from it, but that will pass and maybe she'll see exactly what I have described to her.
True lovemaking has a healing power that brings peace of mind that fucking could never. But when both are present, it is just simply amazing.....
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
PillQuesting Bitches
Judy and Sarah went to the doctor's today, so I am now in charge of her medication, and maybe it won't get fucked up anymore... Methadone is a bitch of a drug. It has good uses, but the body craves it and it makes people physically sick when they withdraw. I think I can ween her down to get off it, but it is going to be a hard road. But when I married I made a commitment, and I will stand by it. On top of that, Sarah is addicted to them, just not as bad. Both girls are in pain, but they let the pain and pills to make it go away rule their lives, and force of will can do much of what they rely upon pills for.
But they are better when they work and live life around each other and together. I have more than enough love to stand by them as I help them heal themselves, and inside I know clearly that having both of them as loves and living like sister wives that the love I have inside of me and I can give will be so much more intense and I will have more to give.
Amanda came over today, and she has always looked sexy to me, but her pregnant is just such a turn on. I think she will do great in life, especially if or when she has a decent guy to be there for her. I'd love to be that guy. I think how and who we both are would work well, because there is a real friendship there, but we should be more connected. She needs a good place to be, and my door is open to her, and the elements she would bring in, as a lover/companion or just as a friend living here, would do wonders for both of us and everyone around us. She needs someone who is on her side and will never fuck her over, and that is me, and she would get close to Judy quick as well. She is mature on so many great levels, but she needs to be around love in a supportive environment.
I think we have a "sameness" in so many views, it couldn't help but be great. Modern society has so many shortcomings in how people are close and open with each other. That is a main reason why she needs what I can offer, that is no matter if she gets it from me or finds it somewhere else. I see her depressed sometimes and it hurts me, which is why I know how genuine my feeling are for her.
And Sarah maybe still feels guilty about all the things that have vanished, but it is life with Chris and pain, depression, desperation, and so much else that has fucked her up. Life with us would heal that as well, and does when she spends decent time here and not at the house where she lives with Chris. I refer to it that way, because that really isn't a home. It is a bad environment for those beautiful girls. Much of the attraction and desire for two wives farm is that desire in me to be father to and for them. And when Amanda has her baby girl I could be that as well. As time passes they both may move on if they are lovers and companions and sister wives, and that is just fine, because they would carry the love and what good gets created with them, and leave the same behind.
But I do think that if I can create this life I speak of with either or both of these beautiful women and my wife, who I love so much and want this for because it would do good for her as well, that none of them would ever seek to leave that life. If they did, what we create would be considered as "home" and be the safe place they always have to turn to. I have never turned from helping people in need, and right now we all need each other, even if I am the only one who sees it all so clearly.
But they are better when they work and live life around each other and together. I have more than enough love to stand by them as I help them heal themselves, and inside I know clearly that having both of them as loves and living like sister wives that the love I have inside of me and I can give will be so much more intense and I will have more to give.
Amanda came over today, and she has always looked sexy to me, but her pregnant is just such a turn on. I think she will do great in life, especially if or when she has a decent guy to be there for her. I'd love to be that guy. I think how and who we both are would work well, because there is a real friendship there, but we should be more connected. She needs a good place to be, and my door is open to her, and the elements she would bring in, as a lover/companion or just as a friend living here, would do wonders for both of us and everyone around us. She needs someone who is on her side and will never fuck her over, and that is me, and she would get close to Judy quick as well. She is mature on so many great levels, but she needs to be around love in a supportive environment.
I think we have a "sameness" in so many views, it couldn't help but be great. Modern society has so many shortcomings in how people are close and open with each other. That is a main reason why she needs what I can offer, that is no matter if she gets it from me or finds it somewhere else. I see her depressed sometimes and it hurts me, which is why I know how genuine my feeling are for her.
And Sarah maybe still feels guilty about all the things that have vanished, but it is life with Chris and pain, depression, desperation, and so much else that has fucked her up. Life with us would heal that as well, and does when she spends decent time here and not at the house where she lives with Chris. I refer to it that way, because that really isn't a home. It is a bad environment for those beautiful girls. Much of the attraction and desire for two wives farm is that desire in me to be father to and for them. And when Amanda has her baby girl I could be that as well. As time passes they both may move on if they are lovers and companions and sister wives, and that is just fine, because they would carry the love and what good gets created with them, and leave the same behind.
But I do think that if I can create this life I speak of with either or both of these beautiful women and my wife, who I love so much and want this for because it would do good for her as well, that none of them would ever seek to leave that life. If they did, what we create would be considered as "home" and be the safe place they always have to turn to. I have never turned from helping people in need, and right now we all need each other, even if I am the only one who sees it all so clearly.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
DreaManda
I just awoke from a really erotic dream. I was with Amanda again. Most of my sexual dreams have either her, Judy, Sarah, them in different combinations, and sometimes there are flashes of lovers past, but not normally. This one was surrounding being with Amanda. We hooked up and went to listen to a band, and we walked and danced, and afterwards we went to the beach. I ate her for what seemed like hours until she gushed all over my face, then I entered her and made her cum again and again, and I was slow, very slow, tender.... we melted into each other and I gave her multiples, and then she made me stop because she was getting too sensitive and she started on me, and we made love for hours.
She looked so beautiful under the night sky, and our kisses were soft and intense, and it was so vivid and real, more like a memory than a dream. I woke up hard and I could still see her in my mind, like the dream just kept on in my imagination. I couldn't fall back to sleep until I jerked off to the thought of her, and then we were having breakfast at a diner, and she couldn't stop smiling. I remember coming home and we kept it secret, but I couldn't get her scent out of my mind. I had a dream this vivid about Sarah and two weeks later we made love. It was just as nice, but honestly, Amanda was better so far dreamwise. I;ll lay odds we just fit perfecty. I know it.
I know that I am in love with her as much as I love my wife, or Sarah, or any other past true love, and I can feel that we need each other. I think my age and being not the think I once was may be something she considers, and also that we are friends and I am a little bit old for her, but the age seems to vanish, and would vanish if or when we get together. I know what fits and what does not. She fits me, but is different than Sarah or Judy in that we can have a real and deep and abiding friendship and be true love fuckbuddy friends, and once she finds it in her to open up completely to me we have it in us to be best friends for a lifetime. There is something there that tells me we need to be close because we are the type that could never pull punches with each other and have the real concern for each other that most people never know.
All she has know has been selfish guys, or pretty-boys or lovers so screwed up that they never reach the level of giving she needs, and she is like me and needs and craves to be held at night, to feel the warmth and love of a lover in her arms as she sleeps. If we have that for an hour it would have more value and linger longer than a month in bed with someone, or just about anyone else.
I want her to feel me throbbing inside of her, have her taste a little of her own juices as I cum in her mouth then kiss her with her juices all over my face and beard, sucking up each other's juices until the mix makes a sweet flavor that creates a memory that will never fade.
I can taste her, know what she will feel like, and hope she will always be in my life in some way, shape, or form. I want to be her lover forever, no matter who we are with or what happens, I hope we learn to make love and touch and never relinquish that. I hope one day that it can be in the open, and that I can be part of her life and the one she runs to when her world crashes in. I hope whenever I am weak that she will renew me. She has the capacity to love deeper and be more real than almost anyone I know, and my love can give her strength to find direction. I would love to be that steady rock for her to anchor to.
How do I convince her to be my lover/companion/friend? I want everything without any kind of distraction of escape, but to be eyes wide open. I have had dreams like this before, but this one was so intense and real.... I hope this dream comes true.
She looked so beautiful under the night sky, and our kisses were soft and intense, and it was so vivid and real, more like a memory than a dream. I woke up hard and I could still see her in my mind, like the dream just kept on in my imagination. I couldn't fall back to sleep until I jerked off to the thought of her, and then we were having breakfast at a diner, and she couldn't stop smiling. I remember coming home and we kept it secret, but I couldn't get her scent out of my mind. I had a dream this vivid about Sarah and two weeks later we made love. It was just as nice, but honestly, Amanda was better so far dreamwise. I;ll lay odds we just fit perfecty. I know it.
I know that I am in love with her as much as I love my wife, or Sarah, or any other past true love, and I can feel that we need each other. I think my age and being not the think I once was may be something she considers, and also that we are friends and I am a little bit old for her, but the age seems to vanish, and would vanish if or when we get together. I know what fits and what does not. She fits me, but is different than Sarah or Judy in that we can have a real and deep and abiding friendship and be true love fuckbuddy friends, and once she finds it in her to open up completely to me we have it in us to be best friends for a lifetime. There is something there that tells me we need to be close because we are the type that could never pull punches with each other and have the real concern for each other that most people never know.
All she has know has been selfish guys, or pretty-boys or lovers so screwed up that they never reach the level of giving she needs, and she is like me and needs and craves to be held at night, to feel the warmth and love of a lover in her arms as she sleeps. If we have that for an hour it would have more value and linger longer than a month in bed with someone, or just about anyone else.
I want her to feel me throbbing inside of her, have her taste a little of her own juices as I cum in her mouth then kiss her with her juices all over my face and beard, sucking up each other's juices until the mix makes a sweet flavor that creates a memory that will never fade.
I can taste her, know what she will feel like, and hope she will always be in my life in some way, shape, or form. I want to be her lover forever, no matter who we are with or what happens, I hope we learn to make love and touch and never relinquish that. I hope one day that it can be in the open, and that I can be part of her life and the one she runs to when her world crashes in. I hope whenever I am weak that she will renew me. She has the capacity to love deeper and be more real than almost anyone I know, and my love can give her strength to find direction. I would love to be that steady rock for her to anchor to.
How do I convince her to be my lover/companion/friend? I want everything without any kind of distraction of escape, but to be eyes wide open. I have had dreams like this before, but this one was so intense and real.... I hope this dream comes true.
Friday, April 10, 2009
John came over, and something was weird. Seems he stole from Amanda. The one person out of the bunch who is the least selfish most kind and caring and he violates. Amanda still is hung up on Josh but seems to be getting stronger.
Sarah left Chris for a few days, but stole more pills and my wallet is missing. She is fucked up from years of living with Chris and being subjected to her mother-in-law. But she hurt us by that crap. She is addicted as well, so I understand. Her guilt will punish her, because under it all she has a great heart.
I saw Amanda and she looks just so sexy now. She is 18 with most of the adult mindset of a 40 year old educated woman. I remember my dream and she had that same figure when we made love. I remember the dream, and I was eating her and her belly was about that big. Man that is a strange memory/flash/dejavu thing!
And Sarah and I finally did, down in OP. She was helping me paint Carmello's mom's house. I got her off really, really well, and she gives great head. She has a really small clit, but not a problem. I did my little trick of moving the foreskin around it down, and she hit the roof! I am her third guy, and the first she said didn't count because she started and stopped before either one of them came. She was just worried how it would effect Judy, but it is our little secret, and we both had just a moment of decent lovemaking without conditions or bags with someone who appreciates and loves us.
Yes, it would work and work well, because it makes me want my wife more and able to deal with the shit I endure with her. Her out of pills again. I control them now, period.
I don't want the job, but not doing it is too risky and just not worth it.
Amanda is back home, which is best at the moment for her unless she moves in here. It all needs to fall together the way I say in these two journals. I was smart to keep Amanda parts out of the other journal to the extent they are remembered here. They are distinct and unique anyway. I let Judy in on the other one, because total honesty in that degree means I am being more loyal than if I was out fucking everything that moved or came my way. Believe it or not but I get offers all the time. I just am highly selective to a degree, I don't want just sex, and with any one of these three it could never be "just sex". The emotional connection and companionship is what I crave out of each of them the most. Sex is just a deep expression of that.
And the other journal has the deepest secrets I am willing to share and might, but this one has almost the fullest extent. There are some thoughts I'd never write down in order to remember and catolog and sort out. These journals have allowed me the ability to reflect and figure out what it is I love and want and why. If I include how I feel about Amanda in that journal and ever share that with Sarah she might not understand why I feel about Amanda like I do, and think it is just lust or something. It is hard enough for most people to understand how you can love two women at once, let alone three. But I love the women I loved in the past just as much, and it is only time and circumstance that keeps that from being.
I think my views are a lot like what has come before in some very peaceful cultures, but humans want to own everything, including each other. Love should be the highest form and expression of freedom, and sex or romance in addition to even a committed relationship doesn't mean that you don't love your mate. It can enhance and heal and make you a better person for the person you choose as your primary mate. If you have nothing unfulfilled, you can give all of yourself honestly with nothing held back, and having a few private experiences just for yourself is something that should be more than allowed, it should be encouraged.
Everyone says if you love something set it free and it will return, but when you try to live that way you get attacked for it. It makes no sense.
I still have a fire for my wife, and when I don't get what I need from her I get frustrated and angry, so if someone else gives that to me when she can't or won't, then I will be at peace and strong enough to give her my best, which would make the relationship better and the bad parts easier to get through. I never want to be so hungry that I eat dirt, and I don't want to be a glutton either. I want to be well nourished and content, so I am happy and can give all of my best and love without any reservations...
I think that makes really good sense.
Sarah left Chris for a few days, but stole more pills and my wallet is missing. She is fucked up from years of living with Chris and being subjected to her mother-in-law. But she hurt us by that crap. She is addicted as well, so I understand. Her guilt will punish her, because under it all she has a great heart.
I saw Amanda and she looks just so sexy now. She is 18 with most of the adult mindset of a 40 year old educated woman. I remember my dream and she had that same figure when we made love. I remember the dream, and I was eating her and her belly was about that big. Man that is a strange memory/flash/dejavu thing!
And Sarah and I finally did, down in OP. She was helping me paint Carmello's mom's house. I got her off really, really well, and she gives great head. She has a really small clit, but not a problem. I did my little trick of moving the foreskin around it down, and she hit the roof! I am her third guy, and the first she said didn't count because she started and stopped before either one of them came. She was just worried how it would effect Judy, but it is our little secret, and we both had just a moment of decent lovemaking without conditions or bags with someone who appreciates and loves us.
Yes, it would work and work well, because it makes me want my wife more and able to deal with the shit I endure with her. Her out of pills again. I control them now, period.
I don't want the job, but not doing it is too risky and just not worth it.
Amanda is back home, which is best at the moment for her unless she moves in here. It all needs to fall together the way I say in these two journals. I was smart to keep Amanda parts out of the other journal to the extent they are remembered here. They are distinct and unique anyway. I let Judy in on the other one, because total honesty in that degree means I am being more loyal than if I was out fucking everything that moved or came my way. Believe it or not but I get offers all the time. I just am highly selective to a degree, I don't want just sex, and with any one of these three it could never be "just sex". The emotional connection and companionship is what I crave out of each of them the most. Sex is just a deep expression of that.
And the other journal has the deepest secrets I am willing to share and might, but this one has almost the fullest extent. There are some thoughts I'd never write down in order to remember and catolog and sort out. These journals have allowed me the ability to reflect and figure out what it is I love and want and why. If I include how I feel about Amanda in that journal and ever share that with Sarah she might not understand why I feel about Amanda like I do, and think it is just lust or something. It is hard enough for most people to understand how you can love two women at once, let alone three. But I love the women I loved in the past just as much, and it is only time and circumstance that keeps that from being.
I think my views are a lot like what has come before in some very peaceful cultures, but humans want to own everything, including each other. Love should be the highest form and expression of freedom, and sex or romance in addition to even a committed relationship doesn't mean that you don't love your mate. It can enhance and heal and make you a better person for the person you choose as your primary mate. If you have nothing unfulfilled, you can give all of yourself honestly with nothing held back, and having a few private experiences just for yourself is something that should be more than allowed, it should be encouraged.
Everyone says if you love something set it free and it will return, but when you try to live that way you get attacked for it. It makes no sense.
I still have a fire for my wife, and when I don't get what I need from her I get frustrated and angry, so if someone else gives that to me when she can't or won't, then I will be at peace and strong enough to give her my best, which would make the relationship better and the bad parts easier to get through. I never want to be so hungry that I eat dirt, and I don't want to be a glutton either. I want to be well nourished and content, so I am happy and can give all of my best and love without any reservations...
I think that makes really good sense.
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