Broken Dolls

Judy is depressed. Sarah is sad and depressed, and so is Amanda. I wish I could clone myself, take them all away, then have a couples orgy with all three couples...... I know, weird... right?
Yes, sex is always on my mind because the need for tenderness and passion is always there and so intense. Had John here for the holidays. He needs some real direction. I don't completely trust him so the important things that could grow legs are up.
At least I could give him a present and a good Christmas dinner, but until he makes some changes he is just so worthless. God intentions just don't cut it. And Amanda has Josh and Sarah has Chris, and me Judy. Maybe a full swap, Chris and Josh can have Judy, and I'll take Amanda and Sarah. Man would that be fun! Judy would bitch them into shape...maybe.
Josh won't be around for her baby, not in any real way anyway. Sarah's kids adore me more than their own worthless father, and I am great at the fatherhood thing.
I wish I could fix these girls. Time will heal things though.
Well, I'm exhausted....

I thought about some of my dreams. The dark thing was Jay dying. I saw in my last dream the Carolina farm, and saw Sarah's kids there as well. I also saw my living room greener and bigger. I saw Amanda bigger when I made love to her and she is pregnant. She just needs to stop fucking around with Josh. I saw myself making love to both her and Sarah, but not at the same time. I saw Amanda and me down on the beach at night. I saw Sarah by candlelight. I saw Amanda under starlight. I even see Judy becoming accepting that I want and need other women, and let's face it, that was no secret about me when she married me.
I wish I could clone myself.

I Just Know

I know what works......
I've loved quite a few women, all of them different in many ways... but the one thing they shared was a compassionate heart.
I've been married to Judy for 13 years, and have been with her for 19... she's 50 and I'm 47. We have a son who is 13 as well, and he's a blast...
But in my marriage my wife isn't quite enough. She's not nearly as sexual as I am, and often not as open. We have a friend named Sarah who is about 25 and has four girls, and she's been with the same asshole for over ten years. He's a shitty father, and verbally and emotionally abusive to her. I'm very attracted to her on many levels... I want to see our home and buy a small farm, and have her and her kids move in with my wife and son and I and make one big family.
They are friends and compliment each other perfectly. Sarah leans bisexual, and my wife doesn't have much interest in that, but they would make great lovers, to each other and with me.
Sarah has some attraction to me as well, and if I wasn't married and she was free we'd no doubt wind up together. My wife and Sarah both know that I want to have things like a Mormon, and my wife has come to accept that part of me.
Thing is I don't want two wives for the sex, even if it would be wild and wonderful, but for the relationship and family that would grow out of it. I'm so much better of a father figure than what those girls have now, and many nights Sarah comes over crying because he's such a dick to her. I just have to figure out some way to bring us all under one roof.
Sarah and Judy both have back pain, but when one is up the other is down, so together at least one is usually functioning, and the stresses of kids and housework can easily be taken up by the other, so there is a logic in them working and living together to run a house together.
Now naturally the idea of both of them in bed with me is amazing to me, but sex anyone can find... it is the companionship, romance, warmth that excites me.
And after keeping it shaved for so long I'd love to let my wild hair grow some, which makes sex not only an act of committed love but a recreational act just for fun's sake.
Then there's Amanda. She's with Josh, who is a real asshole and totally not right for her but Amanda is so blinded by need and hope that she keeps falling for his bullshit. Somehow I just don't see them lasting. Josh just doesn't seem concerned about her or like he has love for her. so if they are still together by Christmas it would amaze me.
Amanda reminds me so much of Julie in so many ways it's scary, but she is unique and timeless, ageless, and if it wasn't for the age between us man I'd pull that and love her into an ecstatic frenzy, making her spastic with passion and happiness. If I was single she'd be a first choice in a heartbeat. She is smart, motivated, and has a wisdom that once she gets a little more life experience she'd be so cool I'd drool. I wonder if she knows that I'm in love with her or why. We have 30 years between us but that would vanish in a heartbeat, and I also know there would be a bedroom chemistry that would just rock her world. I know I'm fatter, older and balder than what she would look at, unless she looks at me through my eyes and sees the fire I have for her.
If anything, I think a casual, loving affair would do us both a world of good. She would see what a man is supposed to be like and how love is supposed to be and I would find in her the love and warmth and appreciation that I've been missing for so long. We could have a secret world of escape where we both could have small segments of time where we were treated and loved like we dream of being and need for our own sanity and piece of mind. Also, physically I am so well matched to her. I can see what it would be like whenever I think about it. I know what she would feel like, taste like, feel like sleeping, and I mean actual sleeping together. After an hour or better of making her cum until she squirts and holds me tight panting, sweating, drenched and vibrating she gets off so good, I see her, can feel her clinging to my backside, latched on, or reverse that, her wrapped up my arms around her, feet over and under each other entwined, my nose behind her ear in her hair, softly telling her how beautiful she is as she and I drift off into peaceful sleep with more parts of us touching each other than the bedsheets. Sometimes you just know.
But I'm married and devoted to my son, so no matter if I have to take a lover for sanity's sake I have to find a way to make it work.
Seriously I think my wife needs to just go out and get laid, maybe find where she lost her wild hairs or start growing them again.... but apart for the desire for a swing element in our lives, the relationship I could share if we all three were together would be absolute heaven.
The thing to do would first to get Sarah away from her asshole and moved in with us. That is the primary thing because once that happens if would be evident that we all belong together. Judy and Sarah need to have working terms to share me, and I need the freedom to work and do what I need to to provide for them and the kids. Now if Amanda was there, I would wind up being a father for her child, which would be so easy for me, and she is so mature that she would see what I am like and how much better I am than any guy she knows, including being well equipped and suited to the job, so it would take motherhood so much easier than with some jerk-off more concerned about themselves.
Judy would be a great second mothers and love having a baby around to be a second mother to, and spend her time building a friendship and teaching Amanda everything she knows, and she is great at that. Amanda would have live in babysitter/caregiver/friend/companions and it would take the constant pressure of being a mother off of her, and at her age she would need some down time from it because she has other things she would be doing and missing if she always had to care for a kid 24/7. She maybe could go to college, and grow, and everyone would benefit in some ways because Amanda could contribute as well. Either Sarah or Amanda could fit that expanded relationship role, and it would work even better all four of us together because the house chores and duties could be rotated so it never felt like a burden to anyone, and the joys could be experienced without so much pressure, and while they have to share one man, if they can see past jealousy into a realm where the "other" people you live with are extensions of yourself, then the benefits of sharing someone who is not always up your ass (unless that is where you want them) all the time, so there is a level of closeness when you want and need it, always there when you need it, and there when you want it, and an ability to have your own space as well.
How could any of this not work? If say Amanda was with us, and her daughter was like two, and she had like 40 college credits to go and met a good guy at college, she could have the freedom to romance the guy and make sure he's right without the pressure of needing a guy because she has a lover already, and if it became where she wanted to move on she'd have the support of an extended family that just wants her to be happy, and Sarah could have that, too.
It isn't a romance or sexual second I want out of them, but the interest is there because I find them attractive, warm decent human beings that I am in love with for the right reasons. It is the companionship and friendship and kinship I want more than anything, and to fill the need of being a good male role model for those girls, including the unborn, (Amanda might be having a boy, but it something tells me it will be a girl) (and if it is a boy, then Alex can be "big brother" and would take to that role, although he'd be more of a cousin). But the main point is that whatever comes, whatever changes and changing circumstances may come, we'd all be doing it together.
So if Sarah or Amanda go to school, it would be like my sister or wife, or me, doing it. We all share in the life of each other, and if we are all looking out for each other, how could that not be great for everyone. I still have 30 years easy of dancing, laughing, swimming, playing before I slow down, and even then I'd be more active than most guys 20 years younger. My mindset now is like 25-30, and if I am made happy by being something very special to these beautiful women, I'd be on a steady mission to be my best.
And if they team up to make me happy like friends sharing do, and we could love as a group, I could see the passion explode because with all the walls down love makes the physical into a passion explosion, and even bad sex feels like great sex because the tenderness and love and knowing that you are appreciated is the most rewarding part of love anyway.
Judy, I love you
Sarah, I love you
Amanda, I love you
I could wake up to any one or combination of you every single day and give you more romance and tenderness and feeling of security and appreciation than if you all had two men each. I would be honest and considerate beyond anything you have ever known, and be the best father to every child around me without fail. I would hope that you all shared a great friendship that few only dream of, and together we could build our own private utopia.....
If I could only have them peak inside my mind and heart for just a second to understand what I see and why I want it......

I just had a really passionate dream about Amanda. She was fat but skinny if that makes any sense. I had a dream the other night about something really dark happening. I don't know what it is, but something bad is going to happen, but even though it's close it feels like nothing can stop it and it isn't as close to me. I have learned to trust my DejaVu dreams. They usually come true. The dream of being with her is one dream I'd love to see come true, and if we had each other as an escape I think we would both have more strength and power within to face the shit we deal with. I see more of a real woman waiting to come out in her than I do in so many other women. I think I can make part of her blossom and she can make part of me be reborn. I have to hide most of how I feel about her from my other journal but in this most private one I can remind myself and express exactly how I feel. I am like so in love with her, and she would be such a partner and companion, and if it was possible to just set up house with her we would both be so happy just to be with each other that we wouldn't want to be apart for a second.
I can sense this from experience and what I feel and know. She is like me, and needs love and to be loved, because it does complete people like us. Most people use other people, but she is like me more than she knows, and it is why I love and understand her so well. She thinks she loves Josh, but she loves the idea of loving more and if she saw that she could get out of that sad excuse for a relationship. Josh is selfish and an emotional thief.
I swear I could even taste her.
I'm selective about who I would allow myself to fall in love with, and who I do. Amanda has walked away with what is best in her mom, but her mom could only ever be a friend. Her sister has some of it, but is weak and missing those elements of fire she has. And her view of the world and politics would exactly fit mine, perspective wise, in so many ways. She gets the things I believe in. I get her as well.
Sarah does to a degree, but it's a different thing going on there.
And I love my wife, but she needs to make changes and I am the sort of man that wants more than one woman and could easily allow my women more than one man. You can be with one person forever and ever and be so much less loyal than someone who swings. With Amanda I'd want that little bit of extra so much less, because she could fill more of my needs emotionally. Sarah might as well, and Judy the least that way.
Sarah is more like a package because her kids see me more like a father which her husband is not. Amanda seems like a mix of what is best and what I'm looking for in both Judy and Sarah, plus reminds me of Julie at times, and matches my belief pattern.
How do you show someone what you see so clearly?

What a grind everything is. Alex finding a new school....God help me! I don't know what I'm going to do about him at times, but I know I need him out of Jacksonville. I look at Sarah and her kids, and that story gets repeated everywhere. All these single moms dealing with needing a decent man and the kids needing a good father figure, so they wind up fucked up. And these Jacksonville raised girls, it is insane. They need men for the wrong reasons... Steph has some jerk who won't last, Dottie needs away from her return trips to her asshole, Diane needs away from Robert, and Amanda needs away from Josh before she's left with nothing but a kid and lost dreams and a broken heart, and Sarah needs away from Chris, especially before her girls wind up 14 and knocked like she was with Lacy. That's why I want that farm, because Sarah would wind up there no matter what she says about staying because there would be a better option, and Judy has to deal with me as I am, because she refuses to give me what I need.
There's something that makes me dream of and want Amanda, but Christ! She's 17! 17 going on 37 maybe with how smart she is, but am I a dirty old man for being 30 years older than her and 23 older than Sarah? I still feel exactly like I did when I was 17! I am basically the same guy in an older shell. I am more into new music than most of my younger peers, and am more forward thinking than anyone I know.
My friends range from 17 to 70, always have. I remember being 17 and hanging out drinking coffee and doing shots with a 80 year old boat wright master builder who taught me the art of painting and made me take more pride in my work than anyone over all my friends that were my age. I remember dating a girl who was 17 and a college professor who was 52 when I was 26. The 17 year old was more mature... so age really is relative I guess......
That being said, loving Amanda or Sarah in an expanded relationship would be wonderful, and if it honestly came down to Judy or either of them it would be a toss up with Sarah that Judy would maybe win, but I would run away with Amanda in a heartbeat. If it wasn't for Alex..... but once I lost the dead weight of this current "way things are" I can create what I want, and I need to lay it on the line to Judy, because this sloth, pill infested, bitch shit needs to stop. I am not a servant, I need to be a partner. Maybe I'm so attracted to Sarah because she's like Judy and not set completely in her ways, and Amanda because while she has gone through shit, she is still wide-eyed at the world, critical of what is bad in it, and would be a great partner in just so many ways I can't count.
Plus that she is sexy and looks and feels like she'd fit me beyond mentally and spiritually, she would be great sexually with me. I honestly believe I could hit every one of her buttons in bed.
Her current asshole, and Sarah's, don't deserve them..... I deserve to have a woman who has the ability and willingness to love on my level, and they could....
I just hope I can make a life that they look at and demand in on.
I want these women in my life, and I want Judy there fixed, but that is something she has to be willing and ready for.

Two wives on a farm... that is my dream at this point. I have found a farm in North Carolina for about $80K and would like to have Judy and Sarah on it as sister wives to me. I think that would work better than just Judy. In some ways I want to get away from Judy and in others I want to make it work. I have a lot invested to just throw it all away, but there are other needs I have she just doesn't fit or fill. Those needs aren't so much sexual, but emotional.
If I had to pick one woman to be with forever, in order, with all the women I've ever known, it would be either Julie or Amanda first, then Bethany (as I remember her, who knows what she's like now) or Sarah as third and fourth, then Judy, then Ginny...and Christine if she wasn't alcoholic and before life messed her up a little. My time with her healed her, but I don't want to be anyone's crutch. I want to be their equal and companion and partner. Lori would be up there as well, but her at 18, 19, not what she's like now. Two divorces have made her a little bit of a bitter bitch, and she isn't as carefree as when we were together. She told me I ruined her for other men because no one was ever as loving or genuine. It was cool to hear that I set a high standard, but sad to know she just hasn't been able to find it.
But I want this farm and I want more than one lifemate. I also wouldn't mind sharing a woman with Larry. I haven't had a male best friend like him in years, and I've tried to find him, but we missed contacting each other. His sister Ginny and I got really close, but she had a complicated life and so did I. It was weird sitting around smoking a joint, and this was back in 86, having spent the weekend with Ginny, camping and making love all weekend, then having the orgy on my boat with the girls and Larry. I guess I want the lifestyle I had on my boat or back when I was a third owner of The Owl and The Fiddler to a degree, but only this time have it on a farm and be more of a family thing... I like being a father, and want wives and loads of kids and to take care of everyone. I guess I am just tribal.
I wonder if Amanda could fit into that, and how cool it would be to have all three there, but I want that because of what the dynamics would be. I also think I am so intense and full of love and passion that I would short-circuit just one woman. I also think I want at least two wives because I need more than just Judy, and would be better to and for her if there was someone else to fill what she can't. I could give more of myself because I would be more complete. That might sound selfish, but the alternative is to be unhappy and unfulfilled, and not being then able to give my best because I was sad to a degree. Sarah would be more a lover-companion to me and friend-companion to Judy, and Amanda would be a friend-companion-lover to me and grow into a friend to Judy, and maybe be a lover-firend to Sarah, and Judy and Sarah being such close friends and companions would do good for each other if they had some private passion between them as well. Sarah wants that I think, at least she says so much, but Judy puts too much ownership on me in the wrong way. She is more concerned with needing to own my body than wanting to own my soul.
Two wives on a farm... that would work....