Too much just doesn't change. Judy is always claiming a headache and stays on the damn couch. What she lacks is the drive to get up and do something, which would change so much and make everyone, mostly her, happier. Sarah still goes through her shit. She was over today, with an apathetic angry resigned depression that is her norm. Chris continues to take advantage of her, and everyone else over there beats her down, and she gets walked all over, and she also doesn't take the proactive affirmative action she needs to be happy.
I wind up on the shitty end as a result of the two of them, Judy in life as I live it and with Sarah what I want to add to it.
Maybe once I win one of these claims and can get back in the direction I want to go in and have money can I fix everything. I want life on my terms, but that also means I want to have these two women I love fixed and happy and working to make a wonderful life for each other, me, but mostly themselves, which would do the number one job for me, which is make a wonderful life for the kids. But that's the pipe dream, and the reality is different. The primary dream is to get Judy healthy and expressing love and desire, and then cutting loose with her.
If we all just said the hell with it and Sarah came to us and Judy and I and she had one big bed and one big love we could all have one wonderful life together.
It could, and would, start working now if we chose for it to, but I'm not the thing holding us back.
Judy is right, Sarah is here more when she needs something, but I know why to a degree. Life for her is complicated and depressing, and she withdraws, and acts from a desperate position, which is what fucks things up for her, and she tries to make something work that shouldn't even exist. Chris is just no good, no matter what line of shit he tells her or even his intentions. His actions speak otherwise. His actions step on her and their kids, and he just doesn't deserve them, and is bound to damage them in the long run.
And Judy, she fights to claim her ills and couch like it is a disease to work. There is no real drive there, and it steals the sunshine from life. She will wallow in filth, then expect others to clean her mess, take care of her responsibility.
That sucks.
Judy has no humility, and Sarah too much, and those critical aspects would balance if they were more together or under one roof. They would fix each other in ways no one else can, and once that starts, if my love is allowed to flow freely to both and we share each other honestly and completely, there would be such a beauty to life that the little shit that is wrong would vanish and the big shit that is wrong would become little.
If I could, and had no conscience, I would just leave, start over, and do well. Away from these ills I'd shine, just like I did before Judy and when she and I were apart. But I have a responsibility, it is mostly to Alex. I'd have no problem extending that promise to Sarah's kids either. But I need help, and just don't have it in me to do all the work alone anymore. It makes me resentful. I don't start most of the fights either, I react to and reject being abused and stepped on. sadly, Judy is just too blind to see it, or accept responsibility. But if Sarah, who sees some of that, stepped in, and was honest in brutal fashion, Judy would have no choice anymore. In the same way what is wrong with both Sarah and I would get fixed by the same reasoning and effects.
If they gave me that life I seek, and their love, and started to fix themselves, they'd have freedom in my love, which would be their slave. I wonder how they would both react sharing a man so devoted to them.
But now, when I have the means and Sarah comes face to face with an option for security that Chris will never provide, and Judy has to face that I am fed up and just won't sit back denied any more, I wonder what that will bring.
We need this change. I doubt it will come though. Eventually Judy will either get well or kill herself. She never listens to me though. I'm right about so much, and so what if I want what I want, that is my right. I have to be silent and hide how I feel and that is wrong.

Judy took Sarah to the hospital today, which was a waste of time, with an exception. Sarah told Judy about a girl she's attracted to and they discussed bisexuality, and I think Sarah wants this girl and Judy and her to go out some night, which would be a great idea, then when I made a comment later Judy said I need to get Rum and Tequlia, and Sarah said she is working on the idea with Judy, and Sarah approached me and touched me. Judy is lucky I don't want to do anything behind her back. If Judy knew how she approached me she'd probally be pissed. But Judy should be the one doing that.
So maybe what needs to work will. It really would be the best thing, and I think they are both starting to see and realize and accept the idea.
Judy's worst problem is a lack of humility, and Sarah's is too much. They balance each other, and it is just a waiting game now.
I really do love both, but Sarah at arm's length. I don't trust her, and while she fits most of what I'd like to add to Judy and I, I have doubts about her honesty.

Sarah was over today helping clean the house. We all got it better than it has been in a while, but still not what I'd like. Judy set out a fake set of methadones and counted them very carefully, and one went missing. Sarah asked for one for Chris, which we said no to. We love her, but this pilfering a little at a time is bullshit. My wallet, Judy's pills, and other little things vanish, and maybe if she wasn't always so without and so desperate maybe she'd not steal, but even a little is too much, and there sometimes just isn't anyone else who would or had the chance, and things just do not vanish into thin air.
We understand and feel sorry for her, but this shit has got to stop. I know it is a hard thing to have nothing and no way to get anything, and being addicted to that shit is hell, but she needs to make some changes. We are the best friends she really has, and that is why I want what I want out of a extended family and two wife house, because it would solve those problems for her and be an asset and big motivation thing for Judy. Life would just be better.
I haven't seen Amanda or the baby yet, but really want to, and hope to tomorrow. That's another one that would blend just too well. I know it sounds greedy and all, and maybe part of it is... well, no maybe, but it also means a lot more on my head and more shit to deal with. I just see it working better, life working better. I was meant to lead a tribal clan sort of thing, and sometimes more is better.
Sarah gives glances sometimes, between us, that I know she'd be so down with it, but Judy has to assert that it would be okay before Sarah comes off of it. I respect that she doesn't want to hurt Judy or the friendship that has grown there, but her stealing and being lazy or selfish does that as well, but that is her shortcomings, and Judy and I have ones of our own as well, so we can't pass judgement ourselves because we know her heart is more loving and good than her actions. Love is acceptance, and I think we all could share a great life.
Today was a great example of how the house I want us to be would work, and it would.